Why does it matter so much that I go back to a time in my past that brings me shame. Thinking back now at the lies I told and the shell of a woman I had become it wouldn’t make much sense to share it right? Sweep it all under the rug and be done with it. The missing piece to me before I wipe my hands clean and be done with it is the accountability factor. Also if every life has a purpose and you can sure bet every life does. Then sharing your thoughts and your feelings in the most humblest and raw sense give you a better picture of truly finding happiness don’t you think? One last weight holding you back. I am also weighted by survivor’s guilt so I have even more of a fire now to make things right.
There are so many justifications that stuck in my head why I should be allowed to get away with almost anything. I held a lot of anger for being raped and having to have an abortion when I just turned 14. Pretty nice present isn’t it. It’s funny to me when those closest to you want to argue about facts. Almost as in a way to make it seem not as bad in some way. The age of the event doesn’t so much matter as the grief that immediately followed. Even at that age I could feel this huge loss growing deep inside me. There in my mother’s arms watching Point Break I slept for a long time. I was safe but that piece of me that was going to start out so pure. So fresh was now gone.
People treat you differently when they find out that your not a virgin. That is all anybody heard anyways when I got back from my summer away. I wanted so badly to believe in something good back then. When you lay lying in a million pieces and there is no interest from anybody anymore you start growing a resentment. I hated myself so much. I hated who I was growing into being. Back then it was just beer, R and R and depending on who I was with copious amounts of weed. I always seemed to have a boyfriend though. I really only did because they were hoping to have sex because in reality who was I really saving myself for. It’s incredible how fast you can kill that little girl inside of you. Losing all interest in anything I cared about I just wanted to be somebody else.
Love will be the reason that mankind ceases to exist. To have somebody anybody telling you that you love you, well it makes you do unthinkable things. It’s like your Ego on super drive. Our ego’s are what convince us that we can do anything. Our mind will tell us to think again but when our senses are all in overload we can’t seem to get enough. My Dad was never going to love me again. No matter how much I scrubbed or how much I loved him I would never become clean. Worse yet are the rumours still circulating about me even though that part of me is long gone. Who you have to love most is truly yourself. Fall in love with her and you truly can and will achieve almost anything. You don’t need the words of others to give you the fire that you need to get by. It is born inside of you in fact you can pass it on to other’s without fear of ever losing that flame.
I carried that burden of allowing others misconceptions of me carry any weight in my life. To be free of that weight is like a gift heaven sent. But I didn’t manifest this thinking until almost recently. To embrace your mind, body and soul you to be humble in your intent. The only person you hope to inspire is the frightened child lost deep inside another. Talk to their child and set them free. That feeling of infinite love and happiness. As a child we have no notion of those we need to keep at bay. We have only that great sense of togetherness that comes when living in harmony. Learning this is hard especially in times of quarantine. But with time comes self discovery, at least if you are doing it right so here’s to hope.
I have felt the thrill of life and days latter felt the heartbreak of great loss. My neighbour asked what I planned on doing when some of our other fur babies cross over and I said probably the exact same thing. It is not the life lost that I grieve for but the life. And truly I don’t like to grieve because it tarnishes their memory. I can cry at the drop of a hat though. Maybe that is the gift I was given for not shedding tears. I just know loss and separation are inevitable and if I am strong enough to keep it together I owe it to those that can’t that I do. I will never enjoy the feeling that comes when entering a room when another soul has left it. The cold thick air that you have to push your way through is just a path I do not like to cross. I will always go to the other side to comfort those that are still living but it is still one of my least favourite things to do.
So what does that mean? Where did I go? Very simply I would rather find the romantic piece intertwined into every minute. The serenity that comes when trying to listen to the noise that the ears can’t ear. No matter what is going on in your world a sudden calmness takes over. I am so fortunate to be blessed with the opportunity to share in so many lives. To give them the chance of making their lives great. Their is no bigger reward. My life is only becoming so great because I am becoming truly honest with myself. Maybe in the end nobody will like me but in the end does it really so much matter. When I am gone life goes on no matter how much of an impact I make. Might as well live my life in Glitz and Glam and all that Jazz because hate is always somewhere to be found.