There was a time in my life where I just existed on auto-pilot. My life became mundane and I just did the basics to ensure that I would at least survive. Survival being used loosely as the eye of the storm threatens to carry you away into parts unknown. I remember the crushing devastation when those I believed to be friends turned into foe’s. You never truly know how much somebody hates you until they are given the chance. The worst part about those people is they have usually listened to your secrets so they know exactly where to hit to land their blow. Imagine being one of those people who uses another’s insecurities to gain the upper hand. Nobody should ever expose the trusted secrets. Those that do lose all respect in my books.
Being 35 and forced to pick up and start all over again didn’t leave much to my mental state. I so desperately wanted to believe in the fairy tales that maybe I to one day would be worthy of. It is hard though when caught in the downward spiral to see your own worth. Like a magnet set on reverse you repel all the good that can be and attract the worst parts of you that you are scared of. According to my Dad I was a worthless drunk that had no value. His wife had no problems telling anybody who would listen about me. How does one even begin to change when all these lies keep swirling amongst the ones you love the most. Maybe it wasn’t me who lost touch with reality but my family judging me for the picture my dad had painted. You get into this head space if you could just find somebody, anybody to love you then maybe you can put this whole nightmare behind you. The problem though is its your life that has become the living nightmare. Who do you turn to when there is nobody left to find?
I have always been shy but I wore my heart on my sleeve. Easily taken advantage but back then I didn’t care. All I cared about was that I wanted a friend. Somebody to listen to me. Somebody to make the nights feel less lonely but who would leave me during the day. I wanted to be loved but I was virtually incapable of love both receiving and giving. Some would try to convince me through their missing teeth and socks tucked into their taper sweat pants that they were a man of honour. Through the onslaught of insults about ex’s and even more horrifying the stories about their mother’s I was slowly losing hope that maybe a mate and family was for me.
What needs to happen in order for anybody to experience true happiness is they need to be able to see the happiness inside of themselves. We are more than our past incidents and indiscretions. Yes some things that we have done or had have done still sting to this day. That is the gift of being human. Just because we are some way today it doesn’t mean that we can’t change. It does take 21 days to form a new habit to the point where it just becomes a new way of life. What does that mean? That means it takes more than one day of loving yourself in the mirror in order to start feeling great on the inside. We also know how it feels when a friend or loved one lashes out due to their own insecurities. The sooner we accept that we are not responsible for all the negativity in the world the sooner we can work on loving ourselves. I think that is what makes this whole Black Lives Matter movement so scary. To hate another human being for just existing shows how much you truly hate yourself and your own life. If you were truly happy you wouldn’t be so focused on the take down of another. Your happiness would run over and comfort those in need. What I see in all this anger is a whole generation of people who are reflecting their own hate onto each other and with that level of hate there is no telling the lengths they will go to.
I have always had this feeling that there is something more to us out there. My grieving took me to a place where I didn’t have to let go. I would keep the pictures of those I loved close to me and continuously think of them and smile. Closing my eyes I would look for guidance knowing that the answers I was looking for would never just appear. Sometimes things just happen in ways that we can’t explain but validate those feelings just the same. No matter how hard I try to will myself back to the white light I can’t. My grandparents look down on me from my kitchen wall letting me know that above all else they still believe in me. When I look at them I can hear them and feel their arms wrapped around me. They protect me from the demons in the outside world. Even if none of it is true they have still become my motivation. My true north and guiding light back home. The inward turn to understand who I am is also a push to know who they were too. There was a time that inside my grandma was the potential for my dad and inside my dad was the potential for me and inside me the potential for my son. We all have that light. We all have that start. Who gave some the right to put an end to all that. That is the true ending of life. When the light inside of you doesn’t get a chance to move on.
My truth is that I am no longer bothered by those who don’t like me for they are the ones missing out. I have no desire to reflect their negative energy back onto them or onto others. If I can burn the light so bright to help others feel my warmth then that is all I can do. My goal in my life is to live my life in the eyes of my ancestors. To show thanks for the opportunity and life granted onto me. Yes as I was maturing I was a stubborn nasty little being. I can be humble in my truth by saying yes that was me but this is me now. Like a champagne super nova I want to light up the night sky. I want to infect those around me with so much love and light they will have no chance but to love back.