What does it mean to believe in yourself in a society that is already so far gone. I knew their was a steady decline in our own perceptions and what was truly staring us back in the face. To hear the words being uttered of those that you thought you knew. Their malicious intent, spewing hatred to any and all in their wake. To believe in yourself in your own nightmare to bare it all and lose everything but you never truly had anything to lose to begin with. I knew that deep down I had to believe in myself so hard that those in my presence had no choice but to believe it to. Fake it till you make it no matter how many times you may stumble.
They say time will bare witness to everyone’s true colours. To listen to some speak about those that they used to be so close with always makes we stand back and question why. Is it the one who remains silence not wanting to speak ill of another or is it the one who comes to your rescue. Life is complicated. The only thing more complicated is death and once that comes to pass the hell with all the rest. To be weathered and beaten and still manage to make your way through the storm shows a great judge of character. Depending on the reason that move you will determine the next direction you should go. I like to pay attention to see what is going to end up happening. Sooner or later the game always comes to an end. You can get the answers you think make all the difference if you show just a little bit of patience.
I am shy by nature and overly emotional at best. I like to feel the incredible highs almost as much as I like to feel the lows. During a photoshoot we went out to a cemetery. The tranquil silence that filled the night air also came and danced around my heart. There is something romantic in knowing that here lies so and so even though there’s a chance their bones have turned to dust. There was a time when they were in the middle of their lives. You can find out if they were married by looking to the left or right. Maybe they were brothers and sisters or maybe no relation at all. There was a time when there life mattered both to themselves and those that they loved. Now here they all lay until eternity whether or not they got along or not.
What mattered back then means nothing now. Not even a sliver of hope does it make a difference in either of our lives. My grandparents are coming a distant memory. In fact my son walks this Earth during a time when they no longer existed. I hate that feeling that there will be a day (and that is 110% guarantee) that I will be separated from those that I love. My anxiety goes through the roof if I think about that reality to hard. I like to ask myself who would go first. Is it more painful to stay here knowing that they are gone or does it hurt more leaving my loved one behind knowing that they will grieve?
It is in that power of not knowing the promise of the next day that makes we try time and time again. I love the life I live when I chose to embrace it so why not pursue it with every thing I got. I love being a supportive role model in my community. I believe that I have a lot to offer somebody in need and I pursue that objective relentlessly. Somewhere in my mind I think there is value in my presence and it is with that knowledge that I pursue each and every day with vigor. I like to challenge myself to see just how far I can go. When I was in school I couldn’t be bothered with trying to learn all the in’s and out’s of whatever the subject was for that day. What I have come to appreciate now is I am obsessed with knowledge. I want to learn as much as I can in the time that I have left. I have had this eerie feeling that there is some value in learning all that.
So although the world has gone cold it is up to me to bring in the light. To warm those around me with infectious positive energy is all that I can be. To let others know their importance in our world is also important. I hate when I share my most intimate feelings with another in the hopes of cementing a friendship. Maybe I am best served at arm’s length? I always end up feeling like that shy 8 year old going to elementary school. All I want is to be loved. For now the love that I can give myself is enough. I believe that in time life will unfold in another miraculous way. I continue to explore any and all possibilities that come my way. I could never imagine fully closing one door unless there was a dire need. There are those that you know will serve you no greater purpose in the end. Those people I truly don’t even need.
Like a salmon swimming up stream the journey can feel very long, tiring and pointless. As a mother though there is always a point. There are always another set of little eyes over analyzing my every move. Memorizing the way I transition through the day and picking up my habits. In a world that has seemed to have completely lost its mind it is important for us to keep our heads level. The next generations survival depends on that. I can’t think too much about what will happen when the time comes. The best I can do is to try and stay focused and live in the moment, believing in oneself will always see you through.