I don’t know how certain books make their way onto my lap but once again I sit here in a pivotal, “Holy Shit” moment. The book is called the The Truth and the author is Neil Strauss he also wrote the New York Times Bestselling Author, The Game. You remember The Game don’t you? Made into a move. Starring Will Smith, Kevin James and Eva Mendes. I am sure you remember it. It’s about Will Smith being a dating coach for these guys to help them land any chick they want. At the time when I found the book I was only intrigued by the content. I am so desperately seeking the answer I need in my marriage.

I hate the idea that we are going to evolve into two separate beings that no longer need each other. The age old you never know what you had until it’s gone. I question all the time the validity of having zero intimacy in a marriage, for the rest of my life. At times I think I understand why this passage of time has to be so isolating. I did a lot of things to a few people that you just don’t get to take back. You freeze yourself in these moments trying to will the outcome to be different. As I start reading through the pages the first thing that happens is he cheats on his girlfriend. I can relate. I would be lying to everybody if I would say that the thought has never crossed my mind. It crosses my mind. All the time. To the point where I think that there has to be something wrong with me. Now I am comforted in knowing that we are similar in that way. Our only difference his he acts on his urges and me I can’t distort my brain to think that way.

I still find comfort though because the solution that gets set upon is he must be a sex addict and he must go to rehab. Would this be the course that I would also follow if I in fact acted on my urges too? What holds me back from doing so is that mad love I do have for my family. My life finally makes sense even with the absence of all that. Maybe I am just that way. Maybe it makes sense that I would make a family with the one guy that would stay completely detached from me my whole life.  There are not too many other complaints mind you. Everything else seems trivial. We all have our habits and some of us are borderline OCD. I find if I fully embrace myself to my role that the rest doesn’t seem that bad.

The reason why I had got this book was that I guess in some way I would like to find the answers to my problems. We could have such a wonderful life if only he could meet me in some way.  So now as they go to through the many courses of treatment it is basically summed up to the fact that if you truly loved somebody you would never submit to the carnal act of sex. Masturbation is wrong. Primal thoughts are wrong. So far right now it seems like every ill thought or thought geared to towards libido is wrong. Thank goodness I am only on page 60 out of 350 so hopefully he will have a point somewhere. To be truthful the very act of any type of anything sexual almost makes me sick to my stomach. Parts of the nerves is because it has been so long and other times it is because how we have distorted all of our view points anyways.

So then I am forced to think about the foundation we have built for our family over the years. Is there something that could come between us that would rip our family a part.  There is nothing here on Earth I could possibly sacrifice the life I have built for myself unless of course that being was The One. I think it helps to think in fairy tales and magic anyways. Maybe the one though is simply myself. Loving myself so much that I don’t need to entertain myself in that physical way. Maybe there is enough satisfaction in life in mastering the course that I am. I love to read for knowledge in genres that I can implement in my life. Sex can’t be the reason we are put on this Earth. So if we are blessed with the family we so seek that we can love and nurture and pass down to our offspring our secrets and promises is there any thing on Earth more valuable than that.

The hearts you destroy when you act out your silly selfish games. Maybe I am so misguided and confused on what it means anyways. Some mammals mate for life. Other’s rip their mates heads off. Maybe the answer I seek about whether or not I need physical intimacy truly resides deep inside of me. I know I am not truly to shut the door in one direction or another. I think I am open to the possibility but the reality is I don’t want to break anybody’s hearts for my own selfish needs. I am content in the direction I am going and the life in abundance that surrounds me. There is a serenity in basking in the light of others appreciating their selfless pure love. My friends are my grounded point that keeps my head on straight. That and of course the loving ancestors that bestowed onto me these great treasures. There is no greater gift than seeing your son’s eyes light up when his daddy comes home from work. At least for me it is the best. Married life was never meant to be easy and I would sure hate to give up. The piece of my heart that lives on the outside deserves at least a fighting shot of happiness.