What would it take to be truly happy. To live in bliss with your surroundings finally feeling the weight of the World lift from your shoulders after the long awaited threat of depression has passed. I awoke in a sweat from nightmares about my upbringing long ago. This time though my husband and my son where with me in the fields of my youth looking for a reason to stay a little longer and realizing that that reason was always right in front of us. For as long as I can remember I have been trying to understand how it came to be that once I hit my twenties I was out that door slamming it behind me. I wasn’t ashamed or resentful of my family. I was in fact ashamed and resentful of me.
Everybody tells you that you have to become somebody. You need to work full time and provide a pay cheque for your family before you are considered to be a contributing cog in the wheel that makes your household run successfully. I miss the days when I used to have “freedom”. However freedom should be used loosely because all though it seemed easier because I only had myself to worry about it was actually incredibly hard because all I had was myself. The dishes can sit for one more day and your bed doesn’t have to be made because really who are you cleaning for. Cleaning was never a sense of pride just another mundane task that I had to engage in if I wanted to convince the world that I was in fact in control.
We as women had to fight for the basic rights that were thrust upon those men who sailed to this country long ago. In our fight for freedom and equality we let our families go by the wayside. We decided a career that would set us up financially made more sense than becoming the ultimate homemaker. Why dedicate your life to cooking and cleaning and tending to the house if there was a chance you would be left alone with 2.5 kids in a 1 bedroom apartment. We don’t want to believe that our spouses could find a younger model but we have to be real. There is a chance in everything with the idea that there is love at first sight. Correction lust at first sight. We don’t get to take these sexual experiences with us. They are trophies that sit upon the mantel. These experiences have the power to destroy so why would we want to engage in something that catastrophic. We are humans along for the ride and the more volatile a circumstance the more willing we are to engage.
My family dynamic is complicated. Somewhere amongst all the chaos there are human hearts that also need to be consoled. In a sense my whole family was brought together on tragedy. Most of us out of neglect and a fear of never being loved again. There is a bond that comes when you are the products of what the rest of the world threw away. What is one persons garbage can turn into another’s treasure and that is where I find myself to be. There is a lack of intimacy between me and my husband but there is not a lack of platonic energy that exudes itself into every day. Yes my life may be complicated and it is open to be judged and has been by many. What is harder to wash away though is the love that follows me from every room . There is a selfless calm that envelopes you when you know that you are surrounded by lives that needed to be saved. Saved from their own torment and free from the ultimate demise. Yes sex maybe missing from this equation but what is no missing is the amount of love that I feel now in this time.
My mind has strayed thinking that physical intimacy is the be all end all. Engaging in such an act would be devastating to all those I claim to love. Even my husband who I do love would not be able to recover from such an act. It would put all the animals in our care in danger. The life we built we built out of faith and honesty trying to establish a life that we thought we were both not entitled to. I don’t think it could ever be a relaxing experience. Even if I was incredibly angry at my husband I don’t think I would be able to deceive my son and all the animals I love so much. Instead of focusing on what is missing I have filled those gaps with the most gratifying of all life’s experiences and that is the dedication to get the most out of it.
I never thought I would have had the opportunity to be a stay at home mom. I have a degree and a license that serves as a back up plan just in case. I tried to keep myself knowledgeable and relevant to the workforce by trying to do more than just the average housewife. I have become smitten with my life at times that it doesn’t even seem to be mine. One chink in the armor though and it just may all come tumbling down. The definition of family is constantly changing before our eyes. People are becoming more greedy. We want to lust and fill our tanks with any means we deem adequate and necessary. How can we enjoy life if we are constantly upgrading our partner. Don’t we need a little bit of stabilization in order to get to next level? If we are constantly under attack believing we are not good enough because we don’t have a life partner or did we shun away the only member of our family who would have always had our back.
We spend our whole lives following the lives of those that we don’t even know. We amount our lives into being a fragment of their success. Losing faith in ourselves we also begin to question the whole journey anyways. My grounding comes when I remind myself about life as a child. Maybe that was why I dreamed of being back home. My grandparents remained married their whole lives only separated by death. I find myself wondering what they would be doing during this time of so much confusion and misunderstanding. I have no doubt in my mind that they would still be together. It is not that the bonds of marriage kept them together but it is the knowing you have found your best friend somebody to share the rest of your life with the good and the bad. The most isolating times is when something bad were to happen and all I had was the bottle of Jack Daniel’s and cigarettes to console me. I would sit on the balcony and smoke and drink until I forgot who I even was. I know now though that life doesn’t have to be like that. If life on the farm taught me anything is that comfort comes in all shapes and forms. In the era of miscommunication there is no mistaking an animal’s love. To give up this life for cheap tantric sex would make even a sane person go insane. Maybe sex isn’t (or shouldn’t) be the be all end all. Without the constant self talk that usually reverted to being negative that chatter has almost ceased to exist. I don’t have to worry about the being alone because as long as I honor our existence then we will all be at least happy. What I love about this life is the expectations have been removed. As long as the house is clean and the animals are fed (that includes my son) then I am doing a good job. Factor in my ability to commit to personal growth and everything else seems like a no brainer. To love your life or be forced into the tumultuous path of self isolation and ignorance is completely your choice. I am in love with love and the life that it brings there is no question about that.