Reading about cheating is like a beacon for my eyes to see. When I was single I loved sex. Everything surrounding it I loved but this book dares to ask the question what is it you love more. You see for most it wouldn’t be such a far off comparison but for me this is my reality. The life we have built I love. The animals and my son keep me sane. I recently came to read some books about gardening and I love the little bit of time I find to go to work outdoors. The life that I live is summed up by my husband and for some they would say no contest , hands down I would be out that door so fast. I guess the answer lies in the basis of how one quantifies their life. Before we began marrying for love our ancestors sacrificed there chance at finding true love to try and enhance your quality of life. Maybe that is the nature of the game of life. In some ways we did sell our souls off to the devil. Look at how we so willingly hand over our freedom and sacrifice our existence to the next highest bidder. We convince ourselves that our reality is the only one worth living. We make fun of our past and shun the future. Look at how we perverted the family. Our children suffer through our anguish as we hand them down our misery to take care of. Picking up the pieces they will never feel whole. The void will always be there.
So why are we so lost in regards to who we used to be. There were some things that we did out of ignorance and other things we were taught by a greater ignorant. We were made to believe that we should only be satisfied by the comings and goings of what is in our pants and not the thing that is begging for attention between our ears. The longer we lay on our backs the harder it is to remember where we came from or where we got to go. The energy that goes into learning somebody knew. The months, maybe years spent alone wishing for what you have now. What makes us lust after what we don’t have like it is going to solve all of our problems. I know that I am lucky that I have a husband that supports all my craziness. There isn’t a lot of men out there that would be ok with the level of eccentricity I try to bring into each and every day. When I compare to how I felt when all I wanted is a family I don’t think I ever want to go back to that.
We all should have the highest of expectations when it comes to ourselves. I hate the idea that we are obsessed at tearing apart the lives that came before us. Must we wake these spirits from the dead taunting them about how miniscule there lives were. Some lives never amounted to anything and here I have a life that is almost fairy tale like in nature and all I wanted to do was destroy it. Maybe the book is helping. Maybe it is allowing me to explore the depths of my self conscious thinking to really see what it is that moves me. The way I feel in these four walls surrounded by the happiest of lives I feel blessed. I can’t move from room to room without falling into another loving embrace. This is who I am. This is what I came for. To share my existence with those that never thought they had a chance. I am learning that pure love isn’t sexual at all. Pure love is knowing that no matter how many times you fall you never have to pick yourself up alone. That you can sing a million notes all in the wrong key and the right person would not even notice. Even if they did to you your voice is like angels.
Part of the problem I think is I still believe in angels and I do believe in an existence larger than our minds can conceive. Back when I was miserable and nothing felt like it was going right it was like I banished those that loved me both living and dead. I didn’t want them to see my failures even if they were only along to provide their support. Now that I have welcomed them back with open arms after stepping back from the other side I couldn’t imagine catching myself wrapped up in something inappropriate. If some sort of life continues on than eventually we would all have to be held accountable for our sins. I think that is what is making intimacy so hard. I don’t want to be perceived to be anything less than a woman and I sure as hell don’t want to be caught in a tantric position.
I have been noticing that what I need to bring into my life has always found a way into being. Take this book for example. i had no idea what I was getting myself into when I requested it for curbside pickup. I have a lust for learning and knowledge and I just can’t get enough. To explore the inner and outer working of my life while enjoying all that there is to offer. Sometimes I think about the past and the way things used to be. It’s crazy to think how different everything is now. There used to be a time when you would leave the house hoping to run into somebody and now you leave the house hoping that you don’t. I miss who I was when I was younger. Maybe not the person but the past times that I got to partake in. Life used to be easy till we decided everything had to be dissected instead of accepting things for how they were. We always wanted something better even if we didn’t know what that better was.