You don’t all of a sudden awaken from your nightmare and continue on your day. Except for me I get to because I live in a world that isn’t so scary for me because I am white. What is portrayed to me on the internet and even sometimes on television is somebody else’s living nightmare but it doesn’t exist at least for me. The only truth that I know is what lays right in front of me and everything else is like a daydream, a mirage somebody else’s mystery.

I can’t remember how long it has been since we haven’t heard the fear resonate from our friends of color voices. They are screaming for anybody to notice them. Somebody other than their friends and family who have always walked side by side in this reality. I don’t hear it so racism can’t exist. Nobody has ever spoken those words to me. I have been called a multitude of insults but I think none could ever cut as deep. No matter how loud I scream begging for the others to stop it isn’t going to make a difference but do I stop? How can I ever stop wanting to see a change that will secure my white son’s future. When I say secure I mean just that. Hopefully he get’s the chance to grow old and hopefully he gets to find true love in whatever form that maybe. There is no denying the growing escalation of violence and the putrid of hate that still escapes some people’s lips. My son deserves the freedom not to be dictated to or brainwashed on what to believe.

What I have seen in the last few days though has me shook beyond my core. I watched a young men flee from police out of fear. I don’t know about you but as I young kid we would sometimes try to run away. It wasn’t that we feared the cops. For me I actually feared my parents more. So imagine running away from them as 2 large WHITE men in plain clothes hunt you down. You can tell if you look close enough that they are cops there glaring badge and bullet proof gear tip you off. You can hear sirens catching up quickly as another 3 men join the slaughter. I say slaughter because did you know there are actual social media posts of our high paying officers sighting as much. They act like public executioners. I looked it up. Supposedly the last public execution by guillotine happened in 1939. I started there because I wanted to know why the executioners wore masks. Here is what I found: “An executioner is said to have worn this mask before delivering the final blow, with either an axe or sword. It cuts a gruesome figure and is deliberately macabre and menacing to further terrify the prisoner. Executioners often wore masks to hide their identity and avoid any retribution.” (as typed into google.)

Why does any of this matter? It matters to me because once again a man was shot in the back 7 times. I can’t use the words innocent because apparently he had charges pending for an unrelated incident that those cops who arrived on the scene would have no knowledge of knowing. But they must have been there for him right? That would make it seem more justifiable right? Like I can’t imagine cops hunting American citizens down without cause so it would have been safe for them to assume because he was a Black man that he must be a criminal? There is no thing like watching a public execution like what I just saw then hearing that all he was doing was trying to stop two neighbour’s from fighting before driving his 3 kids to a birthday party. I guess for some they were a little too eager for the hunt and they should be tried for what it was…an attempted murder.

I also got to watch the worst public attempt for every entitled white person out there to execute if “necessary”. The problem with that is everything in their mind is necessary and they truly don’t want the violence to start. To listen to the point of views and what they were saying would absolutely make your skin crawl. I get the right to bare arms and defend your property is every American’s Dream but there wasn’t even a mention about love and respect for our POC’s which is the very backbone of why this started in the first place. What happened in your World to hate those that are different then you? Do you spit on poor people and splash them with puddles as you drive by in your Bugatti on on the way to your private jet? Here let me just check to see if your name pops up on a certain flight list because there is a more than likely outcome that half of the people you are fighting for in your gated communities have taken that same flight.

Why am I mad? Is it really worth all this anger? In any given day I am hardly noticed anyways. I surround myself with my pets and make idle chit chat with my soon to be 3 year old but other than that I am cut off from the World. Seeing over and over again just so much rage and hate going on makes your own stomach begin to turn. Every day it seems that a new friend is outed from my life. I have zero tolerance now for anybody who thinks their right to life and success should exceed somebody else’s. I put my heart and soul out there hoping somebody will reach out and catch me from falling. I just won my first US Pin-Up pageant (on-line) and I was super honoured and excited for that. What came next though was being ignored by somebody I adored then a jealous unfollow of me on social media. This is so trivial compared to the extreme that I mentioned but I swear there’s a point. What I felt in those moments and those days after especially when yet another “friend” basically implied that I missed an opportunity to compliment her. Deep breath in. Yes be kind but don’t be taken. Compliments are earned not tossed around randomly. At least I prefer to be genuine in each and every moment.

My heart is open, my heart is wounded, my heart is raw. You never know what straw broke the camel’s back but all of a sudden it caves. I watched another Black man be denied the opportunity of a career because he wouldn’t cut his hair even though the women that he would be working side by side probably had no restrictions. Even the men too if they weren’t in dreads . I also watched my feed light up with a sexual predator on the loose with a hard on for young girls. This may seem to you very comical. Imagine this. We know who he is, where he is and how, what and when. There is even the confession of the 4 year old who became his victim over and over again. Guess why he is free? They will tell you it is because he has no previous offences. So what does that mean? Imagine what that would have meant for Clifford Olson, Jeffrey Dahmer, Ted Bundy. Oh no previous offences. Innocent till proven guilty. Go on (smack on the bum) get the fuck out of here! It is because he is white with no offenses that he can skip off into the sunset with a bag full of candy citing lies of lost kitten and puppies.

So in a room where I sit all alone and I question my very own existence the only time I am able to stop crying is when I feel like maybe my pain can be expressed in some other way. When reality becomes the reality of that movie The Purge though it is kind of hard to feel the good in anybody. I mean would anybody even miss me if I was gone because I am getting awfully scared of how tomorrow might unfold.