I keep one foot in the grave because admitting to be an active participant in whatever this life is has become far too much. We live in this world where everybody wants to save these closest racists from going under fire. Why do I have to walk amongst those that show over and over again that they have more value then me? Why am I forced to hold the hand of those that think that some people are lower than any species that walks this planet and condones them to a life full of suppression, fear and hate. I keep one foot in the grave because I welcome that feeling of complete release where I no longer have to feel this pain of this present land. Everyday we are becoming more and more conditioned that what is unfolding in front of us is justified. That white men brandishing weapons are not to be feared but a coloured man trying to comfort his children is the devil reincarnated. I am tired of everybody that hides in the shadows and when it comes to me trying to pull them into the light I am the one scorned like a small child. I keep one foot in the grave because in all the things that I believe in death seems to be the only escape.
Don’t worry about the possibility of suicide. That is not me nor will it ever be me. As much as I hate myself I love my friends and family with every fiber of my being. As much as I hate myself I could never do that to them. I know I am capable of so much pain and suffering. I used to be teased all the time to end my life. There is nothing that hurts more then when somebody utters those words to you. I guess if it only came from one person it would be easier to shrug off but it seems to be a common occurrence in my life. I keep one foot in the grave because I only need one leg to stand on. I don’t waiver from my beliefs. I will put anyone one blast who has hate in their heart. Hate is what is fueling the world and we have to find a way to put out those flames before too much damage is truly done.
I knew that by going public with my thoughts. Especially those super private ones that have the ability to destroy individuals. I am not worried about any backlash. To truly feel free from the possibility of backlash. Yes there maybe tears but I have no reservations where my heart lies. When I say I believe all lives matter I truly do. I spend so much time caring for abandoned animals and tending to my government. Life is life and we were all graced with this opportunity to live it together but for right now it takes everything inside me to find a way to just exist. It’s like driving on the freeway on autopilot. You don’t care to go fast or slow or weave in and out you just want to coast till you get to where you are going, close your eyes and let go.
To say I cry everyday is an understatement. Sometimes I hope that mentally I do break so it just gives me an excuse to check out of reality. What is happening on a day to day basis plays out more like a B rated holiday movie. You know there is going to be blood but you just don’t know how pathetic that blood spilled is until it is too late. Nobody yet has deserved to do yet there is hundred of thousands probably even millions that are trying to justify each and every one. Oh they were criminals? Since when has public execution been reinstated? A man turns his back and you shoot? Seems to be that the person you are shooting at should be you. Are you that scared of the human race that you can’t do your job? Don’t any of these men have a soul? Do you even register that these are humans or what do you see when you look at them. I have heard a million excuses. All of them must rip at the hearts and souls of the survivors. If these were your children dying in the streets how would you feel? I already know what you are going to say so don’t bother. If they are breaking the law they deserve to die. Sit in that load of shit for awhile and truly think of that. Put an AK in your son’s hands and imagine driving him off to kill a human being. You can’t cite protecting property. There is no property of yours to protect. Did you think that molesting your own blue line buys you mortality.
I keep one foot in the grave because the other one already feels dead. I wish I could just go on with my day and ignore these catastrophic events. So many people justifying murder. Our friends, family, associates, people we love, people we hate all dance around this fine line of what is justifiable and what actually makes sense. To tolerate these that have forever coasted on the coat tails of the majority are the worst ones in their camouflage. Think about when you step on a bee. You don’t see them usually but when your foot comes down on that poor sweet lil bee you get stung, you react. You cry. You get angry. Some want revenge. The same can be said for those lying dormant. You don’t get to lie there forever. One day it will happen and you will be forced to come out from hiding underneath your shade. I don’t waiver where I stand. I stand with one foot in the grave and the other on level ground. I am aware. People can only hide for so long before the ego begins a knocking and you are forced to chose. Nobody likes to be left alone. But I do.