I mean we try to navigate the best we can through life but it seems like all of us have been set up to fail. It’s hard to know right from wrong especially considering the biggest lies ever told are the ones we continue to tell ourselves.
As long as I can remember the only thing I ever wanted was to be loved and feel loved. I grew up surrounded by the most incredible family, you know till life kicked us in the shitter. My very first relationship ever was violent and toxic. I wasted 1.5 year being told I was worthless. My self esteem was gone. With hormones raging and things slowly beginning to spin out of control you truly lose yourself in the moment and all to follow.
You truly can’t be ready for anybody to love you till you are ready to love and accept yourself. Truly. From the deepest corners of your soul the only healing that can come is from ripping into the scar so it hits the air again all open and raw. So here is that wound again opening because there is so much I need to say and set free.
To the only girl I ever loved you need to know I wasn’t ready for you. You see. Ever since I was that little girl who lost hers I have been trying to reconnect with her ever since. You were right in acting surprised when you told me you didn’t know I was into girls. And I wasn’t. And I am not. I truly was only into you.
I guess for me at that time I wasn’t sure who I was sexually. All I knew truly was that I wanted to be a mom so badly. In order to do that I wanted a family so in the back of my mind I became selfish in the way I treated you. It didn’t help that those I considered to be friends laughed and joked about the idea of me and you. You can say my self worth wasn’t where it needed to be in order to make any proper judgements anyways.
How I lied and carried on beyond your back was so sick and twisted. I told myself that I was using you to see him to stop me from getting to close to you. Crazy how I gravitated towards some loser in prison just to stop me from falling for a girl.
Everything begins to happen for a reason. I mean the more it is I learn about love. The good, the bad and the ugly I realise that maybe true love is definetly sexless, genderless, limitless. That what truly stops us from being able to love is our own limitations. The limitations that we put on ourselves when we think of what it needs to be. To the first girl I ever loved. I still think of you pretty much everyday and how I treated you so terribly when I truly did love you very much. My biggest fear in life was dying before making things right in my eyes. Having that one at my Dad’s request should have been the glaring indicator that my life was opening up to some great roadblocks and barriers. You don’t feel this in tune with life and mother nature and willing do what I laid back and did. At the time it fueled every blacked out haze after that. Nobody can truly love you till you can love yourself. Now that I am on the right check to loving myself my heart keeps asking about you.
When you came and got the keys that day you were wear a white and blue tank top, white shorts and white flip flops. I watched you leave. You were mad and heartbroken all at once. Your friends had warned you about me and I sat there lying to you for months. I did it because I was selfish. I loved the way you made me feel and I loved the way you would smile at me when I would walk into the room. I was just incapable of being who you needed me to be. Sex became more of a means to an end. I gave up on wanting to connect with people in such a barbaric display of passion. It was gross. It was sweaty. I used to enjoy it back then I suppose but not the way that you are supposed to. I always just wanted to get the most out of life and falling and love and having endless passion just seems to get in the way. Look at the world. All the world seems to know these days are these endless streams of violence or passion. Not for me. I am not that one.
What I do miss and what I do cherish more than anything especially during these times is the mornings we would spend when I would drive you to work and we would stop for coffee before hand. You were this incredible gift in my life that I was given and I truly didn’t appreciate. At that time I could have made a million excuses why treating you the way I did was justified. I had no idea that maybe there was more to my insecurities then I ever could have imagined. Now that I am beginning to love myself and how it feels when you are surrounded by it I know now that what I felt then was absolute pure love for you. I am sorry that my demons from the past worked over time to destroy you. I did notice you then I was just to blind and to selfish to be who you truly noticed and deserved.
Remember that saying never give up on someone you don’t go a day without thinking about? That is how I feel about you. I know that the reality of our union is an impossibility. With the damage I have done and the family I now have I know that our time together will always be the scar tissue on my heart. I wish I knew then that I was capable of loving anybody in their true form if only I had loved myself enough to allow myself to feel.
I guess the reality is I get what I put out. In one sense my family life is ideal. We have surrounded ourselves with so much love and I suppose mutual respect. Life is at times challenging but we at least have faith in knowing that what we are building we are building together with the best intentions. We don’t have fairytale love but we do have commitment and respect and in this day and age is rare.