Destined to be Alone?

I wasn’t born to be relevant. I have always had troubles blending in and for the most part I have always felt insecure and shy. Almost like I was born to be the punchline in somebody else’s joke. But it didn’t matter to me. Not too much anyways. Maybe when I was younger I would use it as ammo to make others feel sorry for me. To appease that need that maybe I was worthy of their attention. I was always that walking emotional time bomb that kept most people away at times. When It came to me though I had this unnatural ability to draw those in that would have a limitless impact in my life. I think that is what made it rational in my head that you didn’t need to be loved by millions. Just enough to fill your heart.

My clothes were dark to match my mood and back then it was rare to even see a smile on my bare lips. Although I wanted attention I just wanted to bask in my own melancholy. There is something oddly satisfying of drawing oneself in. I worked as many hours as I could and would try to connect with somebody but what I mostly found were these odd, odd individuals that I knew weren’t worthy of my time but I allowed them to use me. It almost prevented me from getting involved with anybody because these people I could only stomach for a short time. I guess that is when my perception of my world began to change. What seemed like such an idyllic fantasy seemed like hell on Earth transformed.

In the city where I now reside it is extremely rare to find a household where both parents are required to work. It is nice to try and get a ahead and try to give your children what you never had with one glaring difference though; I don’t know about you but when we were young my mother stayed at home. So apart from the high school sweethearts that had established these incredible bonds what you have left over are the outcasts of another families failure. Not ever situation is like that but for me in the scraps of the dating pool that I was look at nobody seemed to fit what I was looking for. What 37 year can afford to be choosy though right? Wait to long and all your ships have left the harbour. It is not that I wouldn’t love a partner’s child as much as my own I just didn’t want to deal with the drama. Ex’s become ex’s for a reason and they usually don’t get along. Factor in a man doesn’t want any kids and where does that leave me. Destined to be alone?

The only true connection I have felt with anyone these days has been my son. Looking at him I have so much hope for his future. I know that I can’t protect him from how his life unfolds but I can make every day matter and make his world better by trying to get him to be the best he can possibly be. I have been given this incredibly opportunity to spend these first few years of his life with him. The world has changed so rapidly right in front of our eyes. What I see as being most important is for him to know his place in the world. He is only 2.5 years old and already things have changed. Daycares, schools, playgroups, playgrounds are no longer safe depending on the children that are there. We are beginning to witness that there are no guarantees. I remember a time though when life wasn’t like what it was now. I have been going back to my roots. Back to nature.

Part of my promise to my son is that we would go on a daily adventure. Out for a walk to see what we can find. I give myself WAY too much credit in thinking that I could go off the path and not get lost. Where we found ourselves was this clearing and swooping down in front of us was a Great Horned Owl. I couldn’t help but get transported right back to Girl Guides and Brownies and how valuable my time was spent in the woods. Once perched on that tree the owl just stared at us. Blinking down at us as we clambered on by looking for frogs and turtles. I can’t help but love that guy but I need to teach him everything I know and it can’t be done from inside.

Everything we have ever needed in life we acquired when we were born. A loving family to teach us and care for us until we are ready to venture out into the world on our own. I wonder what broke in the mind of those that fail to see anything else. To the mind that wants revenge or to resort to violence against a being that was granted the divinity to live. To the mind that was lead to believe that there was something more valuable then the life that we were deemed worthy to give.  Heaven on Earth has to be that place deep inside of us. Everything else can be polluted by some other being. We can hold ourselves up to a higher standing of being knowing that it will probably not make a difference but it will to us. We will alter the energy in our own being for what? For who? For somebody else who just doesn’t give a damn? We can’t control the minds of those who have no control of their own being. It isn’t a failure on our part it is a failure on them. Love to love because it feels good. Love all life because all life is worthy of it. At the end of our walk I noticed this tree. I thought about all the lives it witnessed walk by. Maybe it got peed on maybe it helped shelter somebody or maybe nobody noticed it at all. I couldn’t help but notice the age of the bark that I was staring at and that’s when that saying hit me, “Have you hugged a tree today?”. I found myself hugging this tree because I knew that it was alive. All beings are worthy of loved even this statuesque tree. When my son saw me he ran up and hugged the tree too. Wouldn’t you know it we started to run up and hug all the trees lol I guess being alone all depends on how you look at it. We are always surrounded by life. It is just up to us to receive it.

 

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