It seems these days we are either dying to stick in or dying to stick out. For those who always seem to be thrust into the limelight all they want is the peace that comes when tranquility sets in. Then there are those who are destined to live in the shadows who hope to one day feel the soft beam of light even if it is just for a minute. You never realize truly what is lost till you had a taste just once. How is it possible to long for anything but if it remains to be unknown. It is impossible to miss what you never had so wouldn’t peace of mind be the same? I mean at times I feel emotionally I am going insane but these are the time that I fit in the most.
I used to be the center of attention. I was born the middle child in my family but to my dad I was his first born. Call it what you will but we did have unbreakable bond. The kind that I had hoped would last a life time. I guess in some ways I have always loved the feeling of being adored. There is nobody on Earth that has the potential to make you feel like the most important being on Earth, that is unless you have had a chance to stare in your son’s eyes. I never understood the connection that I had somehow missed to make with my Dad. The only thing that I can tell for now is this bond that I have felt with my son will with stand all the sands of time. I used to tell my husband about the incredible bond that I had with my Dad that there is nothing like it on Earth. Now I know how wrong I was in that statement.
There are so many different types of love that I have got to experience over the years. Love in all of its forms is something that we should all get to experience. When we give ourselves freely to the possibility of what may come we remove the boundaries that we have built up around us. I was always so determined to have my happy ever after that I met some very colourful people on my way. For the most part I never understood how I had to get so low before I was rewarded with the life I have now. Too often we forget the journey that brought us here. The wishes one made on one too many angel candle’s on a full moon of the last fort night of who remembers when. I remember feeling so low at one point it was all just getting to be too much. I never thought I got propel myself into the future I wanted so hard that it would make me question everything.
There are a lot of times when I sit here in a stupor wondering how it is I was given so much after having nothing for so long. There is nothing like the sting of bankruptcy, a drug addicted unemployed leech of a boyfriend to really keep you down. Even my own addiction into coke never left me homeless. Unemployed yes. But thankfully here in Canada you are also covered. Providing that you at least worked a part of your life and I did. Here I was the glorified daddy’s girl living in sin and living in squalor not too much caring what the world may have had in store. There is also a time for proving that man right until you just don’t care to prove anything anymore. I know that I am lucky and I know that I am blessed in the sense that I spend all day everyday with my son. My husband always likes to remind me of that fact.
It is hard to now what example to set when the world feels like it is crumbling around you anyways. If these are our last days, minutes, years then who am I to force anything upon anybody. I don’t care much for romance these days. The thing that drives me is this desire to learn all that I can. Like in a weird oxymoron that is the only thing that you get to take when you pass. They say knowledge is power for a reason don’t they? The more you know the better off you are? You can’t see knowledge in much of the same way that you can’t see death. If you go around learning as much as you can will there one day be an overlap that will confirm a reincarnation type of existence. Everything was laid out just so for a reason. The hands of time ticked forward before time was fashionable. Landmarks and monuments all stand tall reminding us of good times and sometimes nothing at all. I wonder if earlier civilizations were just as perverse as we are. They must be. In earlier times civilizations can rise and then fall and move to uninhabited land and start again. Only this time there is no more land and no where to go. We have moved towards the inner core and tried to span the outer ends of the Universe. We are we to become when we are nothing at all? Where do we go? Who remembers us?
I can sit here and do my best all day and at the end of it all it takes one second to move right through me and stop the world from being all that I have known. In one second I get to experience what happens after death and the possibility of a new life being born. Maybe the answer comes to us in the Universe we keep. When we finally become one with our own essence and being our lives should begin to hum in unison at a vibration that others can feel but not see. That energy, that kismet spirit makes me feel like maybe now I am finally at peace. Peace with the life that I have been given and the little soul that I get to keep safe.