What does your life look like? Truly? Do you think your destiny is intertwined with another or do you feel the fate of being destined to walk alone? What does alone look like? Are you truly alone or are you feeling like you aren’t connected? That is how I feel these days. I feel disconnected from myself at times. There are moments were I get thrust into a new reality but only briefly. It feels like my life is constantly flashing before my eyes. When this happens I have to stop to catch my breath. The time line that has begun it’s constant replay alarms me. Every step I wonder if this is the last. Why am I remembering all these moments all at once. Like a suffocating whirlwind of destruction I can’t help but feel the failure that threatens to permeate my thick skin.
Life at times feels like such an blessing even though I can’t help but reminded of my past. There are good moments. In fact there are great moments. But intertwined once again is the thread of failure following me wherever I go. Who wants a life full of ease anyways? Life could always be worse. Life is worse for so many so how can I believe that my inner turmoil will be what kills me. Set yourself free from the lies that bind you. Oh was it ties? All the same. There is a reason why we can never remember the tales we tell. Truth etched upon or been and the lies are merely the decoration to draw others in but only for a short time. Every truth will have it’s awakening even the ones littered with dishonest intent.
I am married and have a lot of lives that rely on me. There is pride that comes with setting out to tackle each and every day. Although most days are littered with my husband’s discontent. It feels that it is always directed at me. Our lives are not easy but I still dig in and try to get the most out of everyday. Etched in my ego are all the ways I have failed to make my house more content. Constantly I battle between my own Goddess inside and the wife who just wants her husband to be happy. There is a battle that lays in wait for all of us. Pride tends to take a back seat when the rage takes over. I hate the fact that in order to be free we have to relinquish our own power. It is unnatural for there to not be another being who understands your inner most workings. It doesn’t have to be a lover. That is society’s way of keeping you separate from your true being. Your essence that looks like you. Some people want others to believe that dressing in the image that sets your heart free can have dire consequences. How is anybody supposed to have control over a lustful deceitful mind? Maybe if we didn’t make sex the be all end all to our existence. We depend on it for sustainability but we love to use is as a weapon as well.
We all deserve and are entitled to have divine power. We will always fail when we try to uphold others to the opinions we keep of ourselves. Does it really matter at the end of the night whose dreams you are awake in or is there more value in having your dreams come alive in your own mind? The world is cruel and torturous with its intentions. I see the kindest most loving people brought to their knees with events that blow their hearts wide open and strips them of all their dignity. Some events don’t make sense for those who are caught up in the experience. If I close my eyes will the story line change. Can I make deals with those that are alive or even dead so I can have the outcome I think I so righteously deserve. Why is it that some paths are walked with ease and others have no road to even follow.
Everything changes when you open your eyes. The world as you knew it is no longer. The high school halls and even friends that brought to life so much wonder and joy. The senior years of University when the whole world stood still as terror ripped through our veins. We never had a chance of knowing our enemies. We all became so willing unknowingly to venture to the depths that normally nobody would dare to go. I like to close my eyes and remember times with friends and family that no longer exist. Sometimes I wonder if they ever did because their time here on Earth was oh so bitter sweet. One last hug, maybe a kiss on lips that will sure to turn cold it is hard to imagine a time when none of this exists. Not even a hint of a moment of the life we once possessed. We have convinced ourselves so willingly that maybe for some reason our make-up or our genetic DNA makes us into a viable human being. Somebody worthy of an existence greater than the next. Every great leader, man, woman and foe are all reduced to dust. Vanishing into thin air like the light beam hitting down on us from the heavens above. Simplistic in our desires to fit in or maybe just a desire to accept ourselves. I hate the contorted mind that likes to play tricks on us. That ego that haunts our impervious minds trying to convince us that there is a difference in the people we seek. One egg. One sperm. Two cells colliding together to create life. Untouched, unpolluted filled with so much love, hope and potential for the future. Inside of all us is the potential for greatness. To build a better life. To have a better existence if only we can reach inside and see the commonality that resides tucked away inside of each of us.