It seems like I can’t win for trying. No matter how hard it is I try to do my best in each and everyday it always seems like something is missed or perhaps done wrong. The dog I never wanted, in fact I am pretty sure I said that it was beyond what I can handle is barking obsessively at the door. I could let him out like it seems what he wants but if I do he will charge the back fence and shout at the neighbours. My head pounds almost as much as my heart hurts. Everybody has an opinion yet none of them makes valid sense. I spin round in circles most days but today is different. There is a pull on my equilibrium I feel to weak to even stand.
Maybe it is exhaustion setting in or worse yet I wonder if maybe my time here on Earth is coming to an end. I was always the quiet voice in the back anyways. Nobody really noticed me. Spinning in that wheel that has lost all sorts of control I try to hang onto the sides out of fear of letting go. There are so many reasons why I am not ready to leave this fragment in time that I stand in. I hope that this nauseous feeling washes over me by morning. It is hard to secure an empire. My son is the only thing that seems to be on mind. It is hard to imagine a world without him and I existing at the same time. I appreciate any and all moments that we spend together. I know since the moment he took his first breath we were already on borrowed time. I have no idea the promises I met when I was knocked out. Why my life was spared and another’s wasn’t. I can help but feel the stress of my living existence.
Sure I used to barter for the things that truly were way to trivial and wouldn’t have made a difference if they held true or not. Think about what we would give for one more day for our true love. Our children the evitable how I desire for the what if. Maybe what I am feeling is the world spinning out of control. The wave of this emotional coaster gaining speed making me dizzy and sore to the touch. More to the touch my existence is bruised. What we are beginning to see as being normal is really another’s nightmare brought to live. What makes it even more twisted is the realization and acceptance is that this is how it has always been. Here in North America we were all born from violence and greed. It is hard to want salvation of any kind when all you here is more and more chatter over arrogance and hate. We can justify any scenario and contort even the ending. A god doesn’t allow this hell to walk for this long here on Earth. It takes a true coward content on the fall of humanity like they absorbed the power of the lives they destroyed.
The loss of innocence life is always going to have to be a theme that highlights what is grotesque about humanity. Every decade, every day, almost every hour we here of the injustice that walks our streets and murders our youth. Canada is definitely the land of the free. Here in Canada you can murder your worst enemy and in cold blood but with the right amount of money and lawyer you will be free after 5 years. Play your cards right and sometimes you can get credit for time served. We give more rights to the heinous then we do to the ones who are worthy. How disgusting is that? Rape a child. Oh sorry we have failed you. Let us make it up to you by giving you minimal time as long as you promise never to touch a child again. We will impose restrictions on you saying don’t be in the company of minors. Don’t consume alcohol. Be home by 10. All that is fine and dandy till you throw it all in and hurt another family, another life, another existence all over again.
I don’t like being compared to the masses because I do truly feel like I don’t fit in. I will always hold fast to my truth and never back down from telling those how I feel. I don’t believe in second chances because all that I need to know about one’s character I can learn in one. I don’t need to gallivant around town and indulge in intoxicants to numb my senses. At times I feel numb from the way others are being treated but all that I can do is be the best that I can be and try to learn all that I can. There are so many of those that are content in being dishonest and fake. You can tell those people from a far with their pearly white shark teeth and failure to look you in the eye. They are the ones that will eat your young and suck on their bones. Every idea, every dream they have ever had have been stolen from somebody else. You know that it is true with their constant failure to admit the truth. They are also quick to blame anybody else within ear shot for their shortcoming and failures. Deflect blame until all of a sudden it is your dumpster on fire and there is no way you can ever turn back. They don’t have a kind bone in their body although they love to try and hide that fact. Honour those lives that have walked before you, celebrate those that walk beside you and try to educate those that come after you. I know that I am doing the best that I can with the resources that I have and I am committed to trying to get other’s to live and feel their best too.