One more day of sanity or at least I am made to believe that is what this is. I ask you if it is sane to read right before coming to this page that a school boy bashed the head in of a newborn calf minutes after it was born right in front of it’s mother. Well is it? Do you think there is any justification for the mother? Do we even care? We have spun so far out of control in a direction that we can no longer save ourselves from. I stay alive only because it appeases my family. Maybe in some way I hope to live long enough to see just a hint of change lingering in the horizon. Everyday another heart ache. Another way to learn what it feels like to be dying on the inside while the rest of you shines on. I said earlier I wasn’t born to fit in and no bigger truth has been said. I don’t want to fit into this living nightmare. If I am never going to fit in then I am going to be bold in my destiny of standing out. I will not waiver in my convictions of what I think purity looks like.
Sometimes I feel the post traumatic stress from our horrendous ordeal (the one that almost took both me and my son during childbirth. I had developed a severe case of HELLP. I had seizures the night and was dead for 12 minutes. Oddly enough that night I wrapped myself in ice. My whole body was on fire and all my ob-gyn said was it was heartburn. Everything happens for a reason EVERYTHING. My life is testament to that truth) and other times I feel so energized and reborn. Given a second chance at life I have confronted all my demons head on. My blog has been my daily testament to my thoughts, feeling and growth. Something happens when that lease on life is renewed. You see yourself as the bitch that you once were (I had a HUGE chip on my shoulder brought on by decades of drugs, alcohol and partying) realizing that maybe just maybe that you were a creature of circumstance and maybe just maybe it was time to let go. There are people I hurt that I tried to make things right with and there are others that hurt me that I just had to let go. I have made so many mistakes in my life and so many I am lucky that it was only that bad because it could have been worse.
Trauma makes you stronger but at times you may fall weak. I now know that the greatest thing to lose now at this stage in the game is my family and I will fight tooth and nail to protect them. I know evil I have come pretty close to it head on. The evil that you have to be most scared of is the one that lays in wait inside of you. We all have that lil beast inside of us that fires up all of our insecurities justified because we get our fill in every way we turn our heads. We have become a society who glorifies evil. We celebrate small victories over our minorities and small groups to hate. There is no denying how selfish and shallow the thinking humanity has taken. I will always maintain that the hearts of a right people will have the power to make this all stop. But no. The ones who do would rather sit here and watch these wars of pure hate engulf our communities and street. Take a look around there is racism in every town and every city. We have allowed it to be tolerated for reasons unknown. This isn’t right. This isn’t freedom. But this is the world that loves violence and torture and hate so why are we not surprised.
Something happened I don’t know when and I don’t know how. They say the first murder happened when Kane murdered Able. The first skeleton found with two holes in the back of his head was 430,000. Why and how twisted does our mind have to go to end somebody else’s life. Where does the fascination come from with having that amount of control? Do you really absorb the energy of those you kill in some sort of sac religious rights? Or are you sacrificing a life to the God’s in the hopes of wealth and prosperity? We have to polar emotions. Love and hate. In one we would do anything for the other just to keep them around. The later we would do everything in our power never to see them again. Why do some humans want to inflict so much pain on another and sometimes on complete random strangers? Are you ever at the right place at the wrong time or can you sometimes be at the wrong place at the right time? Maybe destiny is somewhere written into all of our DNA’s and no matter how it is we try to dodge and weave and alter the natural course of our life we will always end up per versing it in some new and twisted way? I have seen enough innocent men get killed by the men that are paid to protect and serve. Life severed from those they love for what? For another man’s hate? It is hard to try and see any good in the world other than what is right here in these four walls. Here I know there is unconditional love. Here I know I am safe. I have seen enough sick, twisted hate to last me this lifetime and haunt me probably right into the next.