In the land of not good enough all I hear is that I am no good. One only needs to know of my story to grasp what I am talking about. Within these four walls there is more animal life than human. That is a whole heck of all of potential miscommunication from all angles don’t you think. Most of my day is inaudible chaos as I try to decipher the needs and wants of all beings. The only critique that is constant is what I get from my husband. I know that I am lucky to be able to raise my son and have a husband that financially supports us. To be honest I never thought that this would be anything in my wildest dreams and for that I am very thankful. I have also known that my husband thinks of my existence as a wasted life. In fact his exact words were, “You sit around and do nothing all day why don’t you get your stuff done then.”
Each and every morning I get woken up by a literal pack of dogs. The type that has no problems messing in the house if you don’t eventually answer their call. One is a senior and the other is a pup that I never wanted to begin with. Whatever time they decide to rise is when I have to get up to. I don’t mind it allows me the opportunity to get up and read and blog. You know get the quiet stuff out of the way. This only happens though if I don’t have to go to the washroom. If I do the dogs will certainly start barking and not only in addition to waking up the neighbors they also wake my son as well. That’s ok. Just an added dynamic that I have grown found of. Now if only I could find a way to not have to rush up and down 2 flights of stairs to juggle all this. Before my first cup of coffee the dogs need to be fed, the cat bowl usually too and the first rounds of check in to the birds, skinny pig and chinchilla.
The way I see it all lives come first in this circle of chaos. Sometime in between all that there is diapers and potty training, breakfast, snacks, lunch, games, toys, books and even some cleaning. I multi task like my life dependent on it. I take mental notes of all the things my husband hates. Folded t-shirts, last week socks folded with this weeks socks, his work clothes left at the bottom of the stairs, clutter, always my clutter and when I look around right now he is totally right. I try to stay as organized and on top of everything that I can but when you factor in all my little add on’s I get overwhelmed with the idea that maybe he is right. Maybe the things that I enjoy are a waste of time. It’s hard to stay so perfectly motivated when there are things that occur that are out of my control.
The pup that he insisted on that I told him I had no time for is falling by the way side. I try to understand him and take time out of my day but there are cats and all little lives that I have to care for too. I puppy needs ALOT of attention and guidance and I am failing him on all points. Take today for example. I woke up with a passion in my heart ready to face the day. When I got down the stairs his pup was covered in dirt and my favorite plant laid dead at his feet. This isn’t the first time he has sacrificed one of my plants. In fact he killed my blossoming pepper plant and my strawberries at the beginning of the year. This plant though it was different. It was the first plant we bought when we got this place. It was our plant .Looking at the dirty and leaves and the vines hanging from his mouth it was just another living example of how I was destined to be no good.
Sometimes it takes all you can muster to keep a stiff upper lip and try not to let that scoundrel affect my day. I had a Galaxy set to build. In my hopes to battle my depression and anxiety I like to fundraise and give to my Pin-up community. This lead to my entry into the Miss Galaxy Craft Series Pageant to raise funds for the Hannah Heart Foundation Society. As we were coming home with shopping galore I couldn’t help but have a bounces in my step. I was feeling happy and confident and totally wasn’t thinking about my plant. That was until I got 6 blocks away and my dog was coming up from behind. You see the puppy destroys everything and instead of crating him when we go for a while my husband recommended locking the bigger dogs in the garage. Ya well they opened the garage door and here one was without the other. Seconds later I was getting cussed out by a neighbor for my dogs being out. I can’t win for trying it seems. If I get too far down I know there is a likelihood I would never bounce back.
Most days it seems like so many want to drag me back under. Maybe it is true what they say…everybody wants to see you happy until you are then all they want to do is see you fall. I can’t tell you the amount of times I have cleaned this house spotless to have my husband find the one speck of dirt that I missed. Nothing makes me feel more washed up than that. It is rare for me to hear compliments these days in the land of the pandemic. I am learning to be my own best friend first and biggest fan because frankly doll nobody else gives a damn and I am learning to be ok with that.