The journey to self discovery is something that so many of us tend to ignore.  We think that we are getting somewhere because social media is telling us so but nothing can be further from the truth. How can you understand yourself when you are being convoluted and led astray. You can’t deny the facts. They have been on display for centuries for us to look at and either appreciate or ignore. Where we stand in this piece of time is up to us however so many of us can’t see past the hand held out in front of us.  A lack of commitment and dedication to one self  is easily left until later because after all we will always find ourselves in our own company even when all others have left away scorned.

The best thing I have ever read was to find yourself interesting. I had no idea what that even met without over inflating ones ego. As I was jogging with a new friend (who I found by expanding my wings and reaching out ) we began chatting about our hobbies, likes and dislikes. During the conversation she blurted out, “Wow you are so interesting.” I never really thought about myself as interesting. I considered myself just a passionate gal that saw the value to her life and was going to do everything in her power to make a difference in it.  When you are standing there looking at the hands of time when they are standing still taunting you to make a choice and threatening you with it’s menacing silence not to make the wrong one you begin living with this fire that not even the devil himself can tame or put out. You have to see thru your eyes differently to start incorporating the change into your life. I wish it happened over night and that it came easy but the reality of it all is even though the road began to smooth there was always these periods of one ways or u-turns that threatened even my sanest days.

I came to really hold my self accountable for the damage that have done in other peoples lives. I was never a saint. In fact if you knew me back then you would think that my sins would be the thing that destroyed me. Oddly enough it was those sings that ended up saving me in the end. If you don’t fully understand the consequences of your actions or how the impact might resonate through all those in your life then you may not be ready for change. I also need to release myself from the chains of others hate towards me. No matter how hard you try you can’t be loved by everybody. The simple reason is those people are incapable of loving themselves. Yes I could be mad and torture myself with the savage facts of my life but I only relive the horror if I allow it to control me. No matter how hard we try there is no going back so why leave your heart, mind and soul there. I know why I did. Do you know why you leave pieces of yourself littered throughout time? It is in the hopes of reclaiming something you have lost. Being lost in your daydreams of times long gone if not controlled will bring you down to the darkest depths of your soul that you have ever known. If you don’t get out of the river of death you will sit there drifting forever lost, forever tormented by what could have been.

My soul has forever been interrupted because of my friend who passed so suddenly. The guilt I feel of reading his message asking for my opinion and my blatant ignoring him as I thought my minimal day of work was more important is something that I held deep inside weighing me down. When I need to cleanse my soul I think about him and his sudden departure from my life. My grief kept me away while he lay there with only the monitors keeping him alive. I don’t know what I was thinking. I guess I thought if I would make a million deals and promises the universe wouldn’t take him away. I was wrong. I am always wrong. I hate that it takes death to fire up something inside me. It’s like I know that he is now watching me cheering me from above. My own self discovery comes with the humble acceptance that no matter how hard we try we can’t manipulate the outcome. We have to accept it for what it is and move on.

I find these days as I journey into my own self discovery I found myself talking to myself a lot. If we have a voice inside of us that is constantly talking in our heads why not ask them the hard questions. Wouldn’t they know best versus somebody who hardly knows a thing about you or has your best interest at heart? Shouldn’t we love ourselves first and then allow that love to wash over everybody else. That is what this journey should be all about. Not to be conceited but if we don’t value our own life we can never see value in anybody else. And I mean a good hard honest look at yourself. Not a reflection of somebody else you are trying to be but who you want to be. Discover your self first so you can uncover the true value of those around you. The universe will respond to you when you take care of those beings in your care. To say you love life and not appreciate life to me doesn’t make any sense. Those beings will never know true happiness. The happiness that comes when making a difference in another creatures life is sometimes the blessing you need to be the fuel for your desires. The only impact I need to make for today is to see the good that is in my life and appreciate the fact that hopefully I can reach out and help be the beacon in another’s journey to self discovery.