Put On Ice

Fate, The possibility of a chance meeting. For no other reason than two world’s colliding but as fast as they found each other they were destined to part,  There was no way of knowing when it happened or if it ever did but a part of my soul felt your presence before my heart and soul realized it true. The part where I got caught was I was uncertain if you were even still breathing or if your reckless life took you too soon. I knew at one point we had come into contact the physicality still in tact. Your voice and breath I remembered everything faded to black.

What choice did I have but fully give myself over to the universe and let my destiny unfold. Any time I resisted the opposite I desired became ten fold. Sooner or later I had to succumb to what was right in front of me and let that piece of me that always remained broken heal with a crack. When a piece of you becomes missing the best you can do is build that fortress, that essence that is you. If you were missing one half wouldn’t you strengthen what was left to endure whatever was left of your life. Make the best of what you had. My destiny has always been to be a mother. Yes an expertise housewife but it is hard when you know something ain’t right. You can walk around in circles till Tuesday but you will always find yourself on the corner waiting to hail a cab. There is no cabs in the middle of nowhere and when you ask yourself what you want in your life because there is nobody to talk to you have to be ready for the answer.

The answer I seek is not the answer I want to hear. What I want is my heart and my brain to talk to each and more to all that if there is nobody else to here this conversation or willing to step in and lend an ear than isn’t it time to take that leap of faith to see what else the Universe may have in store. People happen for a reason. They come and go like seasonal décor but every so often there comes a season that is just a little more favoured and you find yourself getting lost in that festive season like a lost school girl. If for whatever random reason somebody that tugged at your heart almost 15 years ago you have to maybe stop and listen to the music that is playing. That intense pairing that comes when only true polar opposites come together after a lifetime a part.

Living on edge where your voice is never heard. Frustration and anger are the leading emotions you learn to suppress on a day to day basis as your very being gets lost amongst the noise. What happens to the mother the wife who is constantly ignored and made  to feel inferior at the expense of all the living beings brought into the house. It isn’t a chore so much as loving and caring for so many beings. It’s the complete and utter isolation and ignorance when it comes to any of my needs me. I talk to myself so much I think I am going insane. You let your thoughts dance to a better life thinking was this really the master plan?  You remember all the little turns in the road that you took that got you to this point. You had to go down the roads that you did. You wouldn’t be alive if you tried to find another way. More to all that you have that beautiful son but I can’t help but feel like I have been put on ice.

Imagine a chance encounter so many years ago that at the time significant but right now in this time seems like such a pivotal moment. Like it happened yesterday I remember the first words we spoke to each other and that look in your eye. I thought I saw it again but I was wrong it was you. When I think of that smile and that expression on your face. I knew right then I trusted you in a way that I normally wouldn’t. I gave myself away in an unconscious moment only because I recognized you even before you first spoke. I recognized you as somebody I could completely and utterly lose myself for. That is why I allowed you to have your way and disappear far into the night. I thought about you from time to time and it really didn’t matter. But now here you are again and just like that I am transported right back.

In this moment untouched, virtually unloved I can’t help but feel like the Universe put me on ice waiting for your return. I am a mom and without question he is the love of my life but when it comes to you you have always made me feel complete. For me I know the sanctity of the vows I took but I can’t help but be honest and look to see how honest the other side of this equation is behaving. In a World where my best will never be good enough wouldn’t it be nice to live where it is. Thankfully I have been on a first name basis with my inner self for awhile now and the only way I can make the right choice is to be humbly honest and allow the natural course of the Universe transpire. If in fact I have been sitting on ice a little while longer truly can’t hurt.

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