The Wall

There is only so much one person can take when it seems like they are talking to a wall. No matter how hard I beat my head against it there is nobody there to answer me. Sometimes I feel I must have died and I am here to float above the other’s existence. There is no real place for me in this realm. Everything about me seems to disappear. I try so hard for somebody to notice. Is it you that I am looking for. I know that inside all of us is the power to save but I am scared that that power has been taken from me. In a grotesque turn of events. I scream. You turn. But it isn’t me that you notice it is everything else in the background that catches your attention.

Who do you become when everything you loved is dangled in front of you like a sick twisted joke. The laughs rob you of your peace of mind as you try and become somebody else. Somebody the world wants to know. If I close my eyes and hold my breath do you promise to take the pain away. I am tired of hearing that we can only save ourselves. My whole body aches from sheer exhaustion as I panic about what is going to happen next. I don’t need the details to know that it is going to be catastrophic. My shell can’t take much more of this turmoil. 

My days filled with nothingness that brings the sanest individual to the brink of insanity. In auto-pilot nothing hurts. Here I get to lie to myself and pretend that maybe if the house is spotless and every one else is cared for that maybe for once I can make him happy. He is never happy. Always upset for my  mere existence. I can never do anything right. I guess though it’s alright because without his constant critiques and things that I have done wrong I may never talk with another human being again. There is no fracture anymore. Just a zillion pieces of me scattered everywhere collecting dust. I want to shine but it is almost impossible. Like being underwater I have no voice. No conscience. No feelings. I feel myself begin to go numb to any touch. How do you respond to anything that you are starting to become conditioned to you don’t need. Every day becomes this battle between doing what is right and doing what is needed. The bare minimum to appease all those who ridiculed you to begin with. All those that refused and wanted to dull your shine.

These dogs a non stop display of what happens when the proper measures aren’t put into place to ensure a species thrives. It is during these times when they bark obsessively that I begin to teeter on the edge. He tells me I was good for 3 days and now I am being a bitch. This is where life gets you when you are constantly beating your head against a wall. I wish my head would split right open so I can forget this nightmare of a time. It only last for a few and it resets but it would still be nice to forget. I walk on egg shells and hold in my breath. As the clock ticks down I count the minutes to his arrival. I can’t pick up the toys fast enough or turnover the laundry to ensure that everything has been done. I hate that I feel my existence is meaningless. The things that make me whole. I guess that is why I live in pieces because I am unable to bring all of my parts together. I live these fragments laying around in the hopes that somebody would notice me and what is going on.

If I spin fast enough I can make sense of it all. The dizzy nauseas undertones bringing me into a more clear picture of what it is that is going on. When your best is finally not good enough where do you go for hope? If there is no friend to hold you where do you get to recharge. My skin tingles and I am overcome with goosebumps. How I wish that somebody would take me in their arms and hold me till all my pieces come together. I am stretched beyond a capacity that any normal human should feel. Taunt me with your misgivings and I will come back at you tenfold. I still remember being told that I should die. Why do people say these words like they are never going to hurt? My sister loved to blame me for everything bad that ever happened to her. Telling me if I was never born things would be different. If I would just die then Dad would no longer have a favourite. Look where we stand today he hates us all equally. Doesn’t that make you happy knowing that without his love that I would rather die? You got your wish in some senses because I do walk this Earth empty. You can’t feel hole with so many pieces of you missing. The only people who want damaged goods are the ones who are damaged too. You have to chose what imperfections you can live with. Live being too bold. Existence without a purpose is like bread without the yeast. It doesn’t rise and become a voluptuous thing of substance. It’s just flour, eggs and milk rotting in the sun.

I want to run at the wall full speed and see what is left of me at the end. What would happen if I just let the Universe take me in the direction it sees fit? How do you turn off your ego and mind and just live for the time. I guess that is the frantic pace we all live at where we are moving at the speed of sound but trying to listen standing still. I need to reel my mind and focus on the very here and now. I tend to live in the future or past but never in the moment. Soulful meditation on the wings of a butterfly in the dawn of early light. The wall maybe still standing but it is up to me to determine what lays on the other side.

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