I can’t imagine the life one has to endure in order to deem it necessary to have all their pieces squished back together. You can never be rebuilt the same. When something rocks you to your core and brings you to the brinks of your own sanity what could it all mean anyways? For some we never have to know the pain or struggle that another endures. No two feelings can be on the same plain at the same time or can they? I can’t imagine the journey that some are forced to take. With the never ending hopes of divine intervention that never comes. I used to feel so tortured by my own disconnect. Certain moments of my life dance around my conscious thought in any given moment. I can see the parcel of time replay and play in perfect symmetry. A reminder of a simpler time and who I always wanted to be.
What truly are your goals in life? So many would say financial freedom, to own a house, to get an education to have a family. In any and all quantities. At any given time. What moments in time replay like they just happened yesterday and which ones fade away in a blink of an eye. It is easy to see the sorrow that one endures when sitting too long in melancholy. But we take for granted every single moment by constantly racing against time. We race into our legs run off without us and no looking back. Unless of course we find ourselves locked against our will forced to look at every sidestep and misfortune that always found there way to us. I don’t know who I am anymore but I do know who I want to be. I guess it’s the haunting imagery of destiny lost or maybe is it found. I am so confused. I know I am getting tired of the cycle. The cycle that I am always going to fail and never going to do anything right.
Even a simple walk today turned into a disaster. A new harness a had bought was one size too big and my dog ended slipping out and running like a lunatic around the block…again. I dove to get him and scratched my knuckles on the pavement. I screamed in pain and scared my son has my dog pranced away over a hill. Not thinking I ran after him. He was too small to be seen by cars and I was terrified he was going to get hit. In my panic I forgot that my son was with me. I tried calling my husband for his help but he was who knows where doing who knows what. My dog made a run for our house so I took the chance asking for my husband’s help. His rage when he found out I chose the dog over our son. It wasn’t like that I knew he was safe. Correct that I thought he was safe. My husband likes to add lib and couldn’t help but say how much he hated my lil dog and was hoping one day he would get hit. He just said again as I was writing f*ck the dog. I know at times I fail but it is even worse when all I obsess about are all the ways I fail him.
Even in my dreams I feel like a failure. I am always racing against time and always falling short. I mean one of my dreams I got fired three times. Three times in one dream at the same job. Everyday is a chance to walk on egg shells that will never get cleaned up. I mean I will get to cleaning them up but it will always be followed by a complain. I am going insane in this house built for clowns. It goes against my very being, my inner essence. How can this be that the family I so desperately needed and wanted is now crumbling to ash right in front of my eyes. I am exhausted at the simple task of just getting up in the morning. I hate the time spent tossing the idea of how much longer should I laze in bed before the day escapes me and it becomes complete chaos. Everyday is chaos it is just the aurora that is thread into each and every one. I try to be efficient as I can but as the clock ticks down the beads of sweat start and I can’t help the wave of nauseous that takes over me.
Is this living? Is this purpose? I love that I have my son and the life that we are building together has been worth every ounce of pain building up his arrival. Is this where we part ways though? Can we have one without the other? Can my heart sing his praises and dare to allow another love in? There has to be room for more but which ones do we dare let close to us out of fear of prosecution for a life we used to live. If we used to live a life does it make us guilty if we want to go back? Is it alright if we dance back for only a moment only to whisk ourselves away. I know I can withstand the storm that is brewing inside of me with my husband’s discontent. I don’t know what is madness and what is truth and if I have begun asking and desiring for something more. I am alone in my misery and comfortable by my apparent colourful cheer. Madness happens in a blink of an eye and clarity in the other. One without the other could lead to very devious deeds. The focus of the seed you hope to see flourish is just within your grasp. Insanity at it’s finest so humble in it’s nature. If only to be sane for one more moment before I fall back into eternity. One without the other, the other without one. I for one am growing tired of this daydream turned nightmare a fairytail gone wrong.