The Crossroads of Denial and Realism

I had to. I had to come downstairs. Correction run downstairs after  I don’t know how many glasses of champagne. I have to write. Almost like keep taunting me and telling me I am worthless and all I want to do is prove you wrong. How many edibles do you feed me before you knocked yourself out first? Oh well it doesn’t matter here I am trying to get the bubbles to ignite one last burst of fire before I rest my head. The goal is 1,000 words a day. I wonder how many this is. I could stop and that eats up valuable time.

I turn on the radio. I am yet to figure out the volume. All I want to do is prove to anybody somebody that my existence had to make a difference. That is why goals and little bursts of fame are necessary. Just enough to never fade out. I would love to feel once again what it feels like to radiate love with another.  It has to be the bubbles getting to my head and the out of this world photoshoot I did earlier. Something to be said about totally working on something and giving your all 100% to slur your words and make you want to close your eyes Just for like 15 min. But if I do he wins, Ha that is where we are now tit for tat. What do you think about that?

When you are with a man that fails to notice you on a day to day basis no matter how loud you pout and how long you cry you have to ask yourself for how much longer can one bend. The hands and concept of time where one begins and the other ends. I see you do you see me? My body is rigid because there is no good in your presence you have come to stir up something that has long been buried and I can’t help but feel a bit of disgust at this. Run DMC plays now. Is that the acronym.? I was never an everyday chick more of a once in a lifetime kind of woman. Hung me out to dry once and I remember. Loyalty runs pure. I feel you from the hands of time no matter what beat you chose to beat at.

So many people want to pull the wool over your eyes pretending they hold some sort of virtue promise of a hidden character. When push comes to shove most people have a hidden and you would be foolish not to head the warning signs. You see people want you to believe in something that they aren’t. Listen tot he facts. The hardcore evidence even the small little tidbits leaked in front of you and you can see a set up a mile away. Family first. That’s the hard learned lesson. Never sell those closest out to you. Unless they did something dirty. And we all got a family member who has done somebody D-I-R-T-Y!

I see you neat freak…meet perfectionist take a back seat and grab a pencil and take some notes. What we forget to remember is when we are faced with something kind of pivotal in our lives the answers we are looking for are literally right in front of us. Embrace the music you love and await the answers and see what comes next. I like to just lift my mind and jump. I already know what it feels like to live alone so what different does it make if I am falling that way too.

It is fun to be eccentric in some ways. The things that would hurt seems like the whipped topping on a hot chocolate. It’s nice when you have it but it’s the first thing to dissolve and let go. Kind of a disappointment if you ask me. I like the consistent. With the reach for something grand. Dare to reach and never be weary of the fall. Those that love you will never let you hit rock bottom at least in my experience.

So here I am at maybe 11:44 trying to beat the strike of midnight because that was my goal for myself. I hate when my husband just minimizes what I hold very dear to me. One is reading, then writing then my pictures. It is my expression of myself while locked up in quarantine. It is fun and quirky and keeps my mental illness at bay. I guess the one thing that I learned during all this is just how little value my husband has when it comes to my art. I waste of time is what he exactly said. I love the distraction of on-line pageants and fundraising again but it gets hard when you get hounded for a running total. I remind me what’s important in all this and it is always the childrend both mine and the worlds.  I guess that is why I gravitate towards the bold the crazy an out there to serve as a beacon for all those who truly need. Let me tell you the road has not been that easy that is for sure. I have been the only one in my corner cheering myself on yet I do it each and every time. All it takes is that one message in my DM that let’s me know how much I inspired them or gave them hope it has me sucked in all over again.

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