Of Love and Light

For every moment I found myself loved I found myself gravitating light. There is this overpowering emotion that erupts when you start echoing the sounds of your true heart. Moments in time take us to where we need to go to be frozen in eternity. Impervious to all other surroundings, peaceful in our serenity. If two halves make a whole why do so many people tell me I only need me?

A love story never happens without at least two characters. Tell somebody that your one true love is your ego and watch those around you drop like flies. I wonder if it is best to find the one who is most like yourself or the one that is a reflection of all you want to be? It is hard to decipher all the fragmented codes that we find at our feet but their is one thing that is so familiar, the way your heartbeat in synch with mine. Two true hearts finally etched in time who will always maks their way back home.

Do you even remember being a teenager? When time didn’t matter and the only time that did was your time feeling socially accepted no matter what you had to give up in exchange. Everything comes at a cost. Suddenly you just don’t seem to care. From a lifetime of playing by the rules with minimal cheats, all of a sudden you find yourself on the losing end of a game you didn’t even realize you were playing yet. That is what happens. Life happens in a blink of an eye. One moment it all makes sense and the next you are scrambling to piece it back together.

It’s hard to think of the once living now gone. We toy with our own sanity asking eternity what if we did this that way instead of the way we did. There is no answer. Perhaps that is the living hell. They say that is what cause’s madness and depression. The absence of living in the present because we are too busy trying to manipulate the past. There is a calm that comes with acceptance, Accepting the things that you can not change and finally letting go. With a weight gripping at your heart trying to keep you steadily cemented in the past, leery of the future. It’s ok to say so long, goodbye till we meet again with lost souls and loves. Truth be told if your soul is intertwined with another you will always make your way back. Maybe at the time when paths crossed the timing wasn’t right.

Two ying’s can’t make a yang because that is never it’s purpose. Two opposite halves, forever intertwined. Here where I sit I am not worried about what my future may hold. There are so many people and events to be thankful for that it doesn’t matter how everything unfolds. I try to remind myself the power of positivity. To see the life and hear the giggle of my son I cherish every moment. My purpose now in life is all about courage. The courage to believe in something bigger than yourself and maybe hopefully the power to love and heal the World.

There is no denying the lack of attention and physical touch that has occurred since we were wed. Thinking back to that kiss I should have known this was an uphill battle that should have me running to the hills. I guess what kept me standing there was that he was the father of our child and I hope that maybe he would love me to. I suppose he loves me as the mother of his child but I would hope that he appreciates me for the sacrifices I have made. Pieces of me die each time I get up every morning and try to get him to notice me. At times I feel like I could die for just one last kiss. To be swept away in a moment feeling warm lips pressed against mine. I am starved for human interaction that I dress like the friendliest ray of sunshine that I could possibly emulate screaming, somebody please notice me. I crave the human touch.

This is surreal. Thinking back about everything this relationship? has physically taken it’s toll. Every morning I get sick. I can’t help it. The feelings of never feeling loved, passionently again just goes right to my head and makes me feel sick. My mouth goes dry and my min goes blank. I feel dizzy, kindof like wtf is all this about. Is this feeling of self doubt and self worth worth it? Where do I go when it feels like the rest of the world has turned their back on me? The last reach out I did I nearly lost a finger. I want to trust somebody so bad. With my whole heart but I know how fuked up everything is, man how I just long for human touch.

Crying is cleansing and it allows for growth to happen. You have to feel true raw soul changing oain in order to build something stronger. It is rare that the most intense relationship is the strongest. it can’t be. There are so many levels and layers and depths to love it is impossible to think of only having just one. The closest one to you (at the time) awakens something inside you that allows you to love deeper with everything you got. When you know the pain of true love there is no going back. You can either fill the hole with sewage or something pretty amazing. Figure out what it is you want to sow and let it be. There is relief in letting it go up into reality or into the heavens further who knows.

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