Believe in You

The thing about age is we are always in such a rush to get there then once we are we spend the rest of our lives trying to get back. I still remember the first few winters here in Calgary and that feeling of just utter rejection and dejection. When I first got here I was feeling pretty low. The guy I wasted a year and a half on after only 6 months went back to jail. Yes, that’s right you read that.  Eight years ago I met some random at a Pub Fundraiser (hey at least I still had the charitable blood in me) that ended up going to prison for 1.5 years. This is such a low point just for me in general. So in addition to me squatting with some methed up junkie ( I feel I can say that now because that is who he was) I decided to gravitate towards somebody with the bling and the cars and what I thought was the life.

There I was in my early 30’s thinking I was in love with a guy in his early 20’s ready to stand strong beside him while he served his federal bit. If there is one thing to know about me I am all about the all in. If I am with you and loyal to you I will always have your back 110%. I am not one of those people who say one thing and flop just to appease somebody else. This is me. This is who I am so if I tell you I am going to be there for you well you best believe that is what I did. I like to blame the hormones because let me tell you I ended up pregnant, but truth be told I like to think I am a stand up chick. I stand behind who I say I am you can believe in that with all your heart.

So there I was in my early 30’s looking at a young man behind glass and he is wondering what the hell I am on promising him that I would be there for him. Sure we spent a month together leading up and it was fun but you can’t deny how we started. I was living with a guy and the only reason why he wasn’t living with his girlfriend is because their house got raided, Those are facts. I am just some crazed woman who had hoped that I desperate man would see my pure intentions and agree to have this baby with me. Right? Like who the hell was I and what was I on, truly. How messed up is that? For anybody out there who truly still doesn’t believe in themselves let me tell you this is why you can. For one your opinion and yours alone should be your first priority. I have nothing to gain but sharing this period of time with you so you can see that age and time just flee us as fast as they came. The most valuable possession you have is already inside of you. You have to change your own perspective and increase your own value because it isn’t until you do that things begin to change.

I did all that. The changing the physical appearance. I competed in the BC Bodybuilding Association for I think it was a decade. When I finally took a step out it was because things were changing. For me it became not fun anymore. The above event and my obsession with being “fit” came at a time when I needed control of my body. I needed to control everything going in which included calories. This began my love affair with cocaine. There was no high like it and for me it was easy to do alone. In fact I preferred it. I needed my mind to race and think a thousand miles a minute. What I needed it to do I succeeded from it miserably. I was running away from myself because I hated my own company. If I could run fast enough I didn’t have to be alone with myself. So I wasn’t. I would hang out with these people that I cringe now just thinking about. The guys that I would date because I was convinced that this is all that was left. I so desperately wanted a family but as the clock marched on I was running out of time. Damn you time!! Damn you age! It is right now in these moments that I start getting angry at myself.

Imagine if I would have just lowered my standards just a little. The guy with the methed up teeth blaming his ex wife for the smell of mildew coming from his socks. Ok so it wasn’t what he was blaming her for. He was blaming her for his financial ruin and I was looking at him like but you tucked your grey sweats into your socks. He was the wormiest of the worms and I couldn’t imagine waking up to that every day. Not to mention what he would say about me and the things he did when he eventually Facebook stalked me. For the record it wasn’t a good time. We should definitely not do this again. And it was you not me so do yourself a favour and delete your profile. You should not be spilling that negativity to the world and for your sake I sure hope you have gotten hope. It seems like so many guys out there are worth the price of admission. It was such a crap shoot the dating pool until I met my husband. Most say they believe in marriage but that is because they are married with 4 kids. One guy I was talking to was married had 4 kids but only one was with her. The other 3 had different mothers, or two were the same. Seriously WTF!!

There was a point I knew that I had to change everything. I mean the friends that I was making were doing drugs and drinking a lot and that was the reverse of what I wanted. Some even had families what made it even more twisted. I just kept repeating in my head like minded individuals gravitate towards like minded individuals and if you wanted to be successful in life you had to be ready for some big risks.  My dream has always been to get to NYC. Low and be hold one night when I was dreaming I was like why not become a beautician. I was loving my newly Pinup look and obsession so why not look into embracing my inner beauty by helping others see their true beauty. Like dominoes my whole like changed. Seemingly over night. I remember starting my first day of school counting down the days until beauty week in NYC. EEEEKKKKK It was in March and school started in October. I remember going to my first Sephora interview like a kid on her first day of school. When dreams begin to collide the momentum propels you forward. From visiting an inmate 4 days a week to prove your loyalty so some guy gets out early to dip his fountain pen into every inkwell before the last tip was even dry. I just want to share my story so other’s can see that as much as we like to pretend a lot of us are going through moments of despair as well. Nobody really believed in me till I started believe in myself. Fake it to you make it and all that jazz. You never know who it is you can become until you try. I know I believe in you, do yo?

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