I guess in essence this is how most of us feel, isn’t it. My husband is always asleep and never notices me. Unless of course I am spending money then nothing gets him picking up the phone faster. My son is screaming in that language that I should understand but it is the last word giving me trouble and the one he is not only repeating relentlessy but yelling back at me as well.
Another day slipped away from us as we challenged ourselves to not only get on with our day but finish the tasks we failed to get to. I am still struggling at times to figure out where I belong. I have always hated deep dark waters that had the potential to turn shark infested. Never trust what we can’t see. I guess that is what we are conditioned to do it seems.
I have never liked the idea of entrusting another with your whole being. When given the chance most would plunge that dagger straight into the depths of your spine severing your ability to move. It is only when you are frozen, even in shame that keeps you coming back. There is no point being in company that you simply would never keep. I knew long ago that most of the work would come from the depths of my soul so what others were doing and believed in never bothered me.
The concept of time and the value we give with every passing second is evaluated differently. Think too long about your own potential demise and you will certainly see your ego begin to decline. We all have potential. We all have a flame and the direction the air fuels its fire will be the starting point of all things to come. With one moment of passion a soul is ignited and begins to nurture and grow. What a powerful gift of life that began somewhere deep inside of that somehow gets lost like the sands of time.
My biggest fear is not being loved for all that I am. That what lays inside me may never fully be seen and appreciated. It is impossible for anybody to understand where I am coming from unless they have been there themselves. I hate to use the word broken more I think suppressed. I know pieces of me are well worn and maybe even in some places broken off and gone but in the center of it is the kindest biggest heart of all.
Not only is the world crazy and unrecognizeable but it seems to be spiralling out of control. It is more than hate that we are spilling out into the streets. Some of us just really insist on thinking that our existence should mean more than anothers for no other reason than thats what we were told and now believe. Have you looked at the ones causing the most trouble? There skin looks it hasn’t seen the light of the day since the original call of duty came out. They are the ones who are pro life and against birth control and believe being gay is something you can control. You have to be terrified of anybody who wants to impede on your freedom.
Everything came gradual. Presented to us with bows and ribbons promising happiness but at an eternal cost. The things we continue to be a part of allows our ignorant flags fly at an all time high and the hearts of those that loved us shattered at our feet. Our existence never should have came at the expense of another but it does. With every beings last warm breath is another beings embrace of the life that is to come. Don’t we have a moral obligation to try and live our lives with limitless potential? There will never be tomorrow. Tomorrow never comes. For every moment I filled my heart with the optimistic promise of my arms one day finding yours, that day has yet to come.
We could have a million reasons to be happy but all we need is just one to embrace our pain. Is it armour that protects us by bringing others close or does it keep those that are unsure themselves away? I used to love fixating on the one piece of my heart that hurt the most. Taunting myself to feel it till I would crumble under the pain. Motherhood gave me this super ability to carry on with my day even when the world as I knew it was no longer there. My only time of sanity I found with my weekends away. Peefecting my talent of learning how to be a real lady while embracing the world. I fear so much time has passed that I just may have a fear of most things. I don’t want to live in a world where most things hurt my heart but here I am continuously living on hoping to one day meet a like mind like you.