It has to be me. I must be manic. My preconceived ideal of how marriage exists doesn’t exist at all. It was never even real to begin with.

Growing up I remember my mom doing more traditional women roles and my dad was just ol hard working man. On weekends he would be doing your traditional men roles such as chopping firewood, getting the garden/green house ready, cutting the lawn and going on dump runs. Growing up on an acreage we didn’t have garbage collection we had to take in our garbage ourselves.

To me it was up to the lady of the house to keeps us fed and make the house sparkle. My dad did everything behind the scenes. You think at a time with only a few channels (we only had one) and a party line (we shared a phone line with our uncles) that we were bored to high heck. Truth be told we greated our own fun and we had a whole world waiting to explore.

To me gender roles exist because we need to connect our mate in someway to our living space then just paying the bills. When your whole existence becomes just the guys at work, well it is time to rethink your life goals. I try to connect my husband by leaving the more genderly male roles to him. My fault. I shouldn’t be able to claim victim from such sexist thinking but let it be clear, I was never one preaching for gender fluidity we all have a pivotal role to play.

I love being a damsel and in true style we all love a hero in timed of distress. Who knew my real hero would be one who liked to take out the garbage and clean up dog poo. My husband doesn’t prefer either. Much in the same way I can’t clean our elaborate pet fountain or do I desire to clean our multitude of litters. For some, maybe even most, they would say in today’s economy I am lucky that I get to stay home. This reference drives me. I could have a career if I chose to. There is no career more important than me than being here for my son in his early years.

Did you ever feel like an ol’ used up burrow that needs to be led to pasture but you stay right up with the young uns because you know when the tourists come it is the front of the pack that get picked. I still hope to get picked. Seems impossible doesn’t it? How dare I say that. There is only so much one human can stand of being held out on the outskirts. I dance on the sidelines to my own music because only I know the beat that moves me. Everybody has an opinion but the one that matters to me is the one I keep of myself.

Why the tyrant what has happened new in my life that has me rolling my eyes and pulling my hair out in frustration. I love my coffee. One of the only habits I kept since quitting smoking. Ratherthan brew a full pot my husband has taken to grabbing me a coffee on his way to work. I kind gesture to sugar coat my day or is it to pull the wool over my eyes. There is nothing leisurely to making your way downstairs to not only a living room full of garbage, coffee all over and dog sh*t in the middle of it all. The coffee looks like it was thrown on the counter and missed and there were pieces of diaper and lasagna everywhere. In the background of it all I can hear my child screaming for a new pull-up and breakfast. Lord give me strength cuz mine is running out.

I try to keep my composure but when you have reached 100 floors before 9 am and have already cleaned your house once it’s hard to see how the day can take a turn. These are the days where I like to dress as fabulous as I can and dig into the day. I may be housewife who is quickly learning all roles I am also just a housewife who lives for the challenge of a new day. Without the promise of the hopes of what is to become I shudder to think who it is I would be.

For so many it’s so easy. It’s the feeling of weight rithing on top of you as you mentally try to connect with the activity that bonds you. Nothing good has come from me being on my back…nothing. That has never brought any sort of security like I do now. Yes every once in awhile I long for a little bit of passion but what passion lacks is love and I have more than enough love to appease even the lonliest of souls. Nothing makes my heart beat prouder or faster than staring into the many beings who love me and find a forever family in these walls.

Show me a family that is perfect and this conversation is done. Show me a family that is committed and loyal and even I would laugh at the absurdity in that. There is a peaceful calm though that comes from all this. I have the greatest appreciation for my mom and family. I miss the time that has grown in between us all. Right now being able to justify being able to spend more time with family is impossible. All I can do these days is watch my husband stress himself out and sleep. I miss my mom. These days she is all I think about now that I have my son. I wish we didn’t live so far apart. My heart thinks of the time one of us or the other has to leave this World. For all my family to be exact. It is hard for me not to notice the sacrifices he is making for us. I see the value we add to his life and the foundation that we bring. I wish he could see me as something more than just being a housewife.