Determination or Destiny

Everybody has somebody in their life that they think about from time time that gives them strength and the will and determination required to overcome any obstacle that may be in their way. There can even be several people who keep you on the righteous path instead of falling victim to those that truly have no good intentions cursing through their body. Those that let their ego’s over rule all that they do are the worst people to keep in your company. They can make you believe that your own sense of value is depleted in their presence. They are usually the first one to blow out your candle to make theirs appear brighter. How and when did these characteristics evolve in such a way that they control and dictate everybody around us. Think of those around you. What motivates them to do what they do? Are they doing it out of the goodness of their heart or maybe to challenge themselves to grow deeper in their knowledge of themselves. I find though to often in the lifestyle I have chosen that there are a few who make my reality just a wee bit uncomfortable.

It is hard to shine without coming across as being to arrogant. You can tell those that possess this quality because it is usually all about them. You will know when you are in their presence because you can’t get a word in edge wise and to be honest being in the presence of this type will be even more depressing than you can imagine. So many people are so self consumed as they teeter on life’s tight rope. To much sway in one direction or the other and you can see yourself toppling over in a heap of embarrassment on the floor. My passion for the Pin-Up community has lead me to this vortex of on-line pageants. Yes they are fun as they push your creative envelope and allow you to meet other like minded individuals who share in the same mindset. Just like in any group there is a splattering of those who believe that their is no contest when it comes to who should win. They always see themselves as better and their behaviour and mannerisms indicate as such.

The very first time that I won Queen at a pageant I was over the moon. I had no idea that there was a girl who believed that she deserved the title more than me. She went on-line and started posting about how I was old and fat and didn’t deserve it as she prepared way more than I did. I think in fact she said she went to several thrift stores to find the perfect sweater. This is where I grew in my compassion for my fellow competitors. I was so excited to feel accepted in the Pin-up community I couldn’t stop smiling. Well until I heard and saw how much she vehemently disagreed with the judging. In that moment I felt so rejected and it happened at the hands of just one disgruntled individual. I would love to call her a woman and as a mother to a daughter she deserves to be called one but her actions speak of one with no prior manners. She went further to put down the organizers of the event and even the club that had organized the day. Imagine that this has been two years and it still echo’s between my ears like it just happened.

With one foot in and the other wanting to run it was a very hard on my heart to determine the next direction I wanted to go in. I wanted to be involved but if this is the reaction I was going to get how strong was I really? Life is ticking down and none of us will ever know the exact moment when we need to say goodbye. With that knowledge wouldn’t you want to be remembered for being loving and good instead of being a jealous squire who only talks to hurt those in their proximity? Destiny is what happens when we take an active role in our lives and fully step into who we truly want to be. I am not looking for attention when I dress in my style. Correction. The only attention I care for is the way I feel when I look at myself after decades of feeling shame and hiding my body. I am a mom whose primary responsibility is to be my son’s first teacher. I need him to be self sufficient and confident to accomplish any obstacle that he may find himself in. We are constantly hiking in rocky terrain so I can show him that he has it in himself to climb mountains.

When I think about how lucky I am to be a mom I can’t help but think about all the mom’s that I know. How they give selflessly to their children in the hopes that maybe we can have a positive impact on their future and hopefully the world. None of us asked to be born into this life where none of us are privy to knowing exactly what are purpose should be. There is so much turmoil in the world as we all struggle to reach for the next rung of the ladder as we kick those behind us so they fall off. Do we even like competition anymore? We are either egotistical winners or very sour losers. Not always but sometimes even those who find themselves walking away with a crown can become little bit of a jerk. Maybe that is the true nature of being a woman. Maybe that is what is wrong with the world. A sick twist on self righteous entitlement that leaves so many feeling empty on the inside. The empty feeling for me allows me to fill it with the memories of those that I have loved over the journey of my life. When I surround myself with those images I know that I have it in me to rise from the ashes and become even stronger than I was before. My Grandmother raised 5 kids in a house my Grandfather built and they all worked together to add value to their family dynamic by tending to the fields, cows and other chores deemed necessary on the farm. That hard work and dedication to family course through my veins and serves as a reminder and reboot of who I want to be. I only want to be somebody that my family is proud of and I know that I have it in me to succeed.

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