One in a Million

Deep down inside of me is this scared, shy little girl desperate to see light. At least I think she wants to come out into the fresh air at least once in her life. The comfort that she gets from staying tucked away inside the deepest, darkest corners of my soul is something I myself have only experienced as a child. It was the last time I got to lay my head in my mother’s lap as she brushed the hair away from my forehead as a tear escaped just one eye. I hope she knows that I never meant to hurt her. I never meant to hurt anybody although I can see now how my actions wounded my family deeply. All I ever wanted was to feel like I belonged somewhere. I never fit in with anybody. Not really.  Anybody can fake a smile these days and after decades of wearing mine it just stays there naturally like the horror’s in my childhood never happened at all.

Growing up on a farm always came with it’s own labels and butt end of jokes. Nobody on a school bus likes the smell of manure especially on a hot afternoon day. We were always attached at the hip. Me and my cousins that is. At least we always had each other right? Oh how I wish. I never knew how such a minor decision at the time would fracture my future in ways that will permanently break my heart.  I don’t want to hide anymore. Especially from the things that define who I am and dictate my mood. Like an old out of tune piano I struggle to play even the simplest of tunes.  The only thing that seemed to matter in school was to have lots of friends and have somebody like you. For somebody like me who can barely find the words to even talk to a friend blurts out the most awkward jibberish imaginable I was better off becoming a drunk.

I never meant to embarrass anybody with the way my beginning started. Knowing this now hurts my heart just thinking of how I need to give my son the same freedom that my family gave me. Even though there was a period of my life where we grew apart I was lucky enough to make it through to the other side. When I reflect back on the journey and what it took to get to this exact moment it reminds me that I need to be honest with myself and my relationships that evolve. What I noticed along the way is not everybody has your best intentions at heart. You can notice them very easily (well for me it has become this way). When I think of some of the shrew’s that I have come across I know that there is no taming them at all. They are who they are out a lust for getting off on other’s discontent. Women bashing women, nothing is more grotesque. I love the women who speaks freely amongst those she deems friends thinking that her words won’t make it back to the ear’s of those that she has disrespected. Darling, my ears are always open and my respect for myself and for others is huge there is nothing you haven’t said that I haven’t heard if you believe in anything believe in that. For those who think their whispers are never heard let it be known that I heard you. I am aware of your presence in my life and your a shunted going forward.  What we could have once been we are no longer.  All friends aside this ship has sailed. Between you and me that is. Let the chips fall where they may…Chip A’Hoy!

It is rare you can trust a woman. Truly. It was Eve who made Adam eat the apple, Helena who sunk Troy, Cleopatra and Anthony…..littered through time are the stories handed down to us of women and their hand in our own demise. We can’t be trusted. Born inside all of us is this lust for us to end up gloriously on top. Go deep down inside yourself to the very beginning of time and you will find the tale of betrayal that courses through your own blood.  We all have it, that dark side that we keep under lock and key. I know that you do because I have one as well. My difference though is I talk to her concurrently now and we have become one. Where once I used to tell lies to cover up my tracks I now couldn’t be bothered because the truth is just as good, well it’s better. It’s better because one sets you free and the other weighs you down. Hidden deep down inside of you waiting for just the right moment to get out.

Sure I want to believe that you are as pure and light and righteous as you want others to believe. If all that was true you would be floating up into the Heaven’s as consisting of only love and light would. Yet here you are weighted down to Earth just like me. A woman who can speak ill about another woman to other’s behind her back is the worst kind of evil. Not only does she betray your trust but she talks to several women about how your friendship is a liability…a liability for what for who? My existence isn’t something for you to put a value  on for your own sick twisted amusement. Here let me help you with that balance sheet and I will erase my name from this equation but I have question for you. Now that you shunned the perfectly balanced me are you prepared to come face to face with my dark side, the side of me you have already claimed to have met?

Now we can’t be all of one and none of the other there has to be a mix and match. Is there a possibility of balance or is that what we are working towards. The only time I feel in balance is when I draw myself within. There I am in balance with my childlike heart and my lady like intellect that tells me to cease and disengage with you. If anything were meant to be said it would have already been spoken too so time well spent not wasted on talking to the likes of you.  Women in large groups has the potential to be something so great. Unless of course they are the type who get great pleasure in ripping apart and destroying just a few. In life there has to be collateral damage in order for a few to shine right? Not unless you want to burn out long before your time. Nobody shines as bright as a star true to her word and her soul. The one who is in balance with both sides. The one in a million kind.

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