We are becoming ominous of our own existence. We question every tepid step we take as if it might make a difference to those who are following behind. Those that follow us far to close who are scared of their own destiny will sure enough step on our heels and make us cringe. Maybe we will cringe in admiration that they have found a good role model in us and we value that they want to follow us where we go. Other’s will shudder in disgust as they will try their hardest to shake their tail. They don’t want to share in anything that they worked so hard for. They see their accomplishments as their own and in their own glory is where they want to bask. At times I can understand the desire to keep to oneself as much as one can handle. There are so many others out their that just want to harm you in any such way that they see fit. You can see it in their leers and jeers and their indirect way that they chose to deal with you. Is there anything more annoying than those who try and pretend to be your friend? In these on-line times who do we even know who to trust when we can’t meet those that sit behind the computer. Is a friend of a friend enough to keep us out of trouble or is it easy to be mislead with a few strategically placed stories of inception. Who are you and where did you come from and do yo come with good intentions or bad?
When I try to imagine who in my community that I look up to is really hard to just pick one. I mean the lady that I most desire to be is no longer with us. In fact her presence here has already been decades ago. I like to think that a part of her still exists somehow. Maybe not as poetically intertwined as we once were but as somebody who guides me just the same. I used to numb out the pieces that brought me great shame especially the parts that I believe she already knew. Missing out in the passing of my Grandmother was one of those events I can never get back. Pieces of me left with her that day as a comfort for her and for me an acknowledgement that we would never let go. She left pieces of her with me as well but when it all happened I was too young to decipher what it all meant. Who she was in my life and the imprint she left on my heart is somebody I definitely have so much love in my heart for. From here and all the ways she taught me how to be a good caretaker, wife and mom. She taught me how to love and give myself selflessly. Constantly picking myself up and dusting myself off in the hopes that somebody would finally catch me. I wish I could ask her so many questions that are only important to me now. The ones about true love and passion. Times were surely different back then. I do long for passion even though it is not as I remember. My heart is changed. A piece of my heart exists outside of me in the form of my son. I want to spend the rest of my life being the best version of me and that means constantly standing up for what I believe in. No wishy just washy but only of my dirty bits. All jokes aside I am who I am and my family is a big piece of me. We grow together.
I can’t be one who minimizes their existence and the lessons they tried to teach us while they were here. A marriage does work best as a partnership. There is love and their is love. All tales handed down to us usually have hints and dabs of all kinds. Passion is best served when we are younger. Our limber muscles and taut bodies are better able to handle all the acrobatics. I get it now. Companionship is everything. Building something with somebody you can trust is worth the risk if you can stand the journey. Imperfections affect the journey. They have to test you along the way. What comes with a mutual understanding of our lives thus far together is a calm acceptance of where in life you are and the hopes of how much farther you can potentially be.
We have not perfected the skill of being loyal or being abstinent. The things we as humans have done in the name of lust, or even love is deplorable. As humans we are one of the lowest skilled mammals out there in the metaphysical sense. Rape, is rape regardless is it of human or mother nature sent. We do despicable acts everyday for our own sick manifesto of self domination or who knows what else. How many animals died today to feed the World’s sick habits…all of the. Instead of being content of being alive for one more day surrounded by those we love doing the things we enjoy we live in a world where we would rather see other’s get sick and die. There is violence in the streets and molestation of our children and when I begin to look around to see who can be a role mode for mankind to help bring us from the brink of extinction there is no one. All we can save is ourselves and free ourselves from our own debilitating thinking. The thinking that corrupts and kills and perverts even the simplest of thinking. Free from the chains of who we once were and in the light of who we can still be.