I have to move towards what feels familiar now, now more than ever. I pushed and pulled and resisted in every way trying to make my journey less personal and more about we. There was never a we though it was always about my recovery of a tale that made me feel so disgusting so long ago that made me desperate to believe that there had to be more people that were broken just like me. For the sake of never being called ugly and always having somebody to fight for me I learned quickly that it was much easier in life to play the distressed damsel then it ever made sense to put my neck out. I mean I tried that once. It sucked more than ever. I guess I could say I had to move through that too and really learn what it meant to get taken advantage of. I went from feeling loved to feeling used and it really all stemmed back to one thing. The lack of self confidence that was rotting away inside of me left me feeling empty and not really caring too much at least about myself. What seemed to keep me in line was my parents presence but that all changed one fine day in Mexico. Just one more reason to hate that hot tropic sun or did I actually anyways?
The only thing that kept me on the narrow was the love and admiration I had for my father. Now that my Grandfather was gone he was the only male role model I had love. There was nothing funny about him being my hero…he was, the joke is how far downwards we fell and how that is decades of time we will never get back. When I start to think about him I have to keep building, if I allow the sadness to creep in I am scared I will fall in. At times I think it is a wall that I am building but then I have flashes of a well. Maybe both are deemed necessary for the journey that I am on. The well makes more sense as I am pulled towards such magical meanings. The hidden meanings and innuendos of faeries and mermaids that dance together in the memories of those in taverns at the sea sides long ago. Every time I think of water I feel that strange tug and pull. It’s healing and therapeutic in nature. The only thing that has ever compared to what I feel when I am near water was my childhood but that was because we lived differently.
If it wasn’t for imagination and magic and everything wonderful in the world our upbringing would have been different. But it was magical living the way we did and that what I remember burns a fire in my heart. For as long as I can remember we had imaginary fairy friends. Camping trips were spent building castles waiting for all the little magical wonders of the forest to say they visited us over night. I say we as it was always me and my sister. The memories I have of having my sister makes me long for another just the same. In life you would hope there would be no greater bond that what you share with a sibling. I have seen the reverse being true more often than not but there is always the hope and I have heard of such relationships existing. My relationship with my siblings was virtually severed. Abuse changes you. What somebody forces you to endure will permanently scar you forever. There is no going back and there is a lot of healing that one has to go through. Before there is healing though there is a lot of shame. Shame is what makes you stronger or kills you where you stand. Which path you end up on is entirely up to you.
What saved me I think was my passion for reading. I couldn’t read enough. One thing that excites me a little more than it should is my reading total to date. How many years have passed since I stopped feeling broken and accepted feeling hole? I am happy to be in this place in my life where I truly feel the move towards forgiving myself. Everyday is a new day to push myself out of my comfort zone and move towards my dream. My dream, my heaven on Earth? To be with my family for as long as I possibly can. I know that our time is not guaranteed and some days I live in fear that maybe I already know. Maybe we all do but for no reason at al I just am not sure. I panic, obsess and start holding my breath. The only thing that holds back the surge of emotions is the recognition and acceptance that this is the wave of life that we all go through. I am lucky that my space in time isn’t the destiny of some that have come before and some that are still to come. I have peace in at least knowing that. As much as I like to think that what I am going through is bad I know it can be infinitely worse. When I think about the infinite I get this wave of courage. Try my best. Be my best. What is the worst that can happen? If the worst thing to happen were to happen again would I be better off at least trying or never knowing what could have happened if I did?
Everyday I try to seize the magic and make it my own. I spent decades trying to hide never wanting to be seen. I gravitated towards what I knew would keep me down because it was better being a loser, at least that is what I thought back then anyways. As long as I kept it low it didn’t matter right? It matters now to me. After almost losing everything I have everything to live for. In a world that is quick to lose it’s magic I am quick to find my own. The future of my son depends on me. If I can’t get him to look at the world with wonder in his eyes I fear for the state that we are living in. I mean it took me 3 decades to find the magic in me again. I don’t want him to wait that long.