I need to stop questioning who we are as a race and keep pursuing what truly matters and questioning who I am. There is no denying the way I feel around certain people or how my mind wanders to times that I thought I had discovered the true meaning of happiness. The more I think about those moments that were somewhat satisfying at the time I know the experience had always had me longing for something more. For as long as I could remember I dreamed of a connection that would be energize and help me in those times when I can’t help myself. I know there will be those days when everything seems absolutely impossible. The impossible rarely feeling possible at times of greatest despair.
I like to cry…sometimes. Most days I lose myself in a tidal wave of emotions in the hopes it will take the negativity far away from. Stuck in this current moment of time I can’t run from those things that want to destroy me. In this moment there ceases to be any air. I always believed that somebody would be there to save me but the more I become aware of the situation at hand I am forced to believe that there is only one person that can save me and that is myself. I have tried to talk to others so I don’t feel so alone but we live in this time where we all feel so self righteous, in fact with out head in the clouds we fail to see those in front of us who need us the most. I was lied to when I was told that when you are in desperate need you will always find a friend. Must have been my fault all along that I pushed anybody worth keeping around far, far away. I want to think that I still have it in me to try and to keep on fighting. Truth be told I am not sure who I am even more. My roots have been exposed to the dying rays of the sun that I can’t even determine if they are still alive or dead from exposure.
I want to be kind and I try my best. I try first to be kind to myself but when flight or fright creeps in I become my own worst enemy. Who do I trust when the one holding the torch is no other than the one I have known all along? Where do I go when the person by my side sells me out for the highest bidder to grow their own entourage because the person I am most afraid of is myself. I never knew what the right thing was to do. I lost faith in myself from such a young age. I love the opportunity I have now to maybe teach another to not go down the path that I chose. But my reality is, in my experience, everything that I endured has shaped me into who I am now. Some people love me and others chose to hate. We can’t please everybody and that is why is is so important to try and gravitate towards what will be pleasing to us.
Without instinct no species would be able to survive until Tuesday. Inside each of us is an understanding of the basics that will keep us alive for as long as deemed necessary. Hopefully born into love with smiling parents beaming back at you, this isn’t the beginning for everybody but what a world we would be living in if it were. Life changes are still occurring in our communities granting us the ability to believe that for once in our existence we may have gotten it right. Any time I try to think of the life that unfolds before me I worry about the one that is unfolding right in front of my son. I always wanted to believe that my life would be worth something as I tried in vain to make it so. I am not sure though if this is a tail of success or failure. I always wanted more but now it seems that there is no such thing.
What happened to an authentic existence that didn’t bring down decades of shame. I am so confused with the overall timeline that I don’t know how I am supposed to feel. In school I wanted to learn as much as I could but now I am being told that what I had learned was just a whole bunch of white washed garbage that might not hold any truth at all. We all were herded down this dirt path like cattle waiting to learn our fate. There are those who seem to step in footprints of gold and others are lucky at all to have anything on their feet. It is hard to imagine that anybody wanted to see the majority of the settlers meet with prosperity and good faith. You can’t name one without affecting us all and all I hear is how the country that I loved was founded by a bunch of murderers and hate. No wonder why we can’t play nice. We were never taught. We were raised by our ancestors who lived for at least a century taking part in destroying a whole race of man. The very first thing that was fed into our brain was that people of color only had one job to do and that job was to care for the same men who kept them in squalor and beat them like dogs. I am even against the beating of any life as we have all been granted the power to be part of this existence at this time.
I can’t change the opinion of those that see no error in their ways. So many stand/sit up upon these pedestals waiting for you to fail so they can pick over your bones and assume who you were. Like an alien infestation that needs a host to survive. We learn to cope by becoming these empty shells of who we once were. It hurts to remind ourselves of the times that we once felt complete and at peace. I for one haven’t felt whole since as long as I can remember. A piece of me forever severed from my own reality. I want to enjoy my own company but I also don’t want my ego to forget about what I lost. There will be those days that I will forever feel like I am being taken over by quicksand. Nothing that I once was will make it through to the other side. I feel tired yet there is so much more still do. I can’t deny that I feel tired but there are so many who feel the same. Searching for answers of an existence that we are not even sure if it is real will cripple us before subjecting us to our own demise. To be happy in a unhappy world or to forever live somber and grey.