To Be Loved

All I ever wanted was to be loved. I wanted somebody to see me and not just toss me aside. I try my best with the resources that I have been given but it seems like such an impossible task. I scream and nobody hears me. I cry and it becomes even worse. The only time somebody notices my existence is to get mad at me and I am not sure why.

I remember growing up as a child and being tormented by my sister. For some odd reason I thought this was the right way to treat somebody. Jealous was always a seed planted at my house. My existence was the reason for everybody’s failure. I can’t remember how many times I have been told to kill myself. From family members, friends and once even a stranger uttered those words to me. I wish I wasn’t a coward. I wish I wasn’t scared of the other side. I wish I could run arms outstretched into the arms of the ones that loved me because it has been far too long since I have even felt that.

There are those that are loved instantly, unconditionally with a full heart. Me? I was damaged it seems right out of the womb. Not at first but over time. As secrets came out across family lines it seems that I was the root of it all. Imagine just trying to do the right thing. All I ever wanted was a better world where we could all get along. If I hear one person mad at me for my honest mistakes, not even my honest mistakes. I am human there are things that I think are out of my control. Or is it true. Are all the things that I thought were lies in fact validated fact. Am I really just a waste of space that takes up space never worthy to be loved.

They say depression over takes you if you continue to live in the past. How can I not want to visit there? Pieces of my heart of shattered over the last 20 years leaving traces of dust in it’s past. I am a horrible person who murdered two innocent babies. One was beaten to death in my body because my boyfriend didn’t want to be a dad. I will never forget that week before Christmas when the nurse held my hand and told me there was nothing they can do. He crushed his skull in utero I guess I am a piece of shit for that too. I like to think that these choices somehow make sense. In this moment of pure hate I can’t see that at all. I think I just turned 14 when I had my first baby terminated. She would have only been 7 weeks at the time. I told my mom right away when my period was missed. There was no discussion as to what was to be done. As fast as I found out that I was having a baby it was taken care of super quick. It was hard to acknowledge that it had happened in the first place. My first exposure to being an embarrassment and it cut deep. I don’t think that wound ever healed. All I ever wanted was to be loved. I thought a father’s love was unconditional. I have 20 years of experience so I can tell you all the ways that it is not.

All I ever wanted was to be loved. Maybe I should have focused on myself more. If only I was kinder to begin with maybe I wouldn’t have ended up going where I did. I knew that in choosing that direction it was going to be dark and lonely. I never expected it to be this lonely and this painful maybe I would have chosen life over death. Imagine for one moment doing something you deeply regret to have that relationship severed the same way as the one before. I have no baby. I have no dad. I just have this giant hole where the demons like to hide. I get called all the names and sometimes by actual people but the worst pain of all are the lies I tell myself. I try to tell myself that because of a few people out there that I am unworthy of love. That I should let my mind be polluted with their own misguided toxic thoughts of me. Back anybody into a corner and see what they do. You don’t know why they behave the way that they do but you can see so clearly that at the end of the day we are all so worthy of love.

I am the girl that when I am feeling sad I think of my Grandpa. I close my eyes and remember the way his arms would wrap around me. You could feel his grey hairs of his arms tickling yours. He always wore a short sleeved dress shirt with just one pocket and that is where he kept the “candies” so he could trap us in a hug. Most days I can still smell his musky scent. I wish I could have hugged him one more time like that before time took him away from me. I had always hoped that my son and my dad would have the relationship that I had with my Grandparents. There is time that you can never get back and that just what kills me even more. This world is so ruthless and completely unsympathetic. Everyday is a new shark feeding frenzy that is utterly exhausting. I want to be loved like I was never damaged in the first place. It sucks knowing what I do and knowing where the world is heading.

I have made more mistakes than anybody and I am trying to be held accountable for them. To think that I am human and it is a possibility for that to even happen. I am sick of the way that certain people handle situations. Nobody and I mean nobody has a backbone and can say yes I said this but it was because of that. It’s f*ck you you f*cking b*tch I trusted you and you lied. Uhmmm how about maybe I was lead astray too. Why get all bent out of shape because it was you that jumped the gun? All I can say is those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. You may have slapped me in the face but never again. All I ever wanted was a friend, a confidante, somebody to love me and me love them. I want to feel like I belong somewhere and not like I am going to disappear. Somebody, somewhere please hug me I am starving to be loved.

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