What I hate about women? We are so malicious and catty and would rather sell our souls to the devil then be held accountable for our own actions. I am embarrassed of my sex for the most part. It seems to me more women are likely to be bullies because men, men just don’t give a damn. In every which way we cement ourselves as certifiably insane as we find ourselves standing in an open field knee deep in the only pile of cow shit in an open field. Over the last two days I have seen the incredibly ugly side of women who can’t admit their own role in the game. We all like the idea of holding a full hand but when it comes to anteing up we stay as far out of the pot as possible.

Today I got called out for threatening suicide every week. I don’t feel like it is every week but when you have been to the other side like I have been of course you want to run where you can finally be at peace instead of getting dragged through the mud with no hopes of running water in the future. I love the way we try to paint the picture in the colors that pleases everybody else’s eyes. You can’t stay firm in your decisions that say blue is your favourite. You will say every other colour trying to win over somebody else forgetting what makes you unique and special.

The hard reality is there will always be those that are never going to see any value in you. They will do everything in their power to derail you. They have no problems spewing lies about you to fit the description that they are trying so hard to get others to believe. It’s a lose lose situation it feels like at the time. With the heavy on-line presence that so many of us are being forced towards we see a new type of beast lingering in the shadows. I have watched girls be manipulated to believe that what they are trying to sell our community is valid. So many others are scared to use their voice because we have all felt the sting of the widow’s bite. Ask yourself what kind of woman claims to be a role model to others yet can’t admit their own faults. Ask yourself what kind of woman defends others who have so blatantly done other’s harm. I mean a drunk who changes their name and persona is still a drunk right? Ask yourself what kind of woman claims to be honest and forthcoming with the community she so clearly loves yet when it comes to being held accountable she runs. You have to believe in the ability for some of the girls to be catfishing us. The environment that we find ourselves suddenly thrust into is something foreign and surreal. We are all experiencing this for the first time so of course there should be questions. All that has happened is all these doubts and questions I have have been intensified. Why this shocking response that is so clearly one sided. If two people are guilty of the exact same crime shouldn’t the punishment be the same? If one fully discloses their role in the disagreement and the other just sweeps it under the rug waiting for the other to clean it up is it justifiable to use a heavy hand on the one who admitted their guilt?

If you can’t stand in your own truth who are you even anyways? That is what cuts my heart in half. All I ever wanted was a safe place for all. Free of any negativity and backlash where some of us feel like stepping stones for others. I remember the first thing I heard was we grow together. The only people who did any growing were the ones on the top selling their overpriced amazon trinkets like it was their own. Why am I the only one asking questions asking that we are all transparent? The amount of lies I have heard about me from complete strangers just makes me shake my head and laugh. Worse yet is how those I thought were my friends treated me. When I was desperate for a loving ear to listen I was basically thrown out in the cold with no close on. I could literally hear their laughter as I stood outside wondering why. What did I do to warrant this level of disrespect? I witnessed first hand these women that I created memories with call me out over women hell bound and determined to cover their tracks. My reality is I am not scared to show the world who I truly am but I wonder why those that judge me are. They have two accounts to lie to the world. To the community they are one person but at home they are somebody else. Why embrace I world that you are ashamed of?

My heart wants to protect those that might not have the thick skin to withstand the flames. Yes I say I want to die and of course eventually I do. I miss those that had a positive impact on my life and have never hurt me in the ways that those who claim to know me now have. I am scared to be alone and to reach out to anyone. It is much easier to blanket my concerns under a general heading instead of pretending that the person that I am talking about give a damn. I have heard the stories shared between each other. It is funny to me being accused of gossip when those with the accusations have acid on their tongues. I have never regretted or felt shame about anything I have ever said. I know how women act and I know how they band together. Anytime you speak out against a gaggle of geese you have to be prepared for the windfall. I am always prepared for the potential whiplash. Nobody likes to be called out on their lies when there is so much at stake and even more to lose. You never forget the sting of your first friendship gone bad. I wanted to believe that I wasn’t getting used but truth be told my open wounds made that a very easy feat. I am raw. I am open. I have never had anything to hide. Until you have clung on to a dead man trying to breathe in the gift of life your comparison of our struggles mean nothing to me. What I wanted was a friend. What I got was the ultimate betrayal. You win some and you lose some and what I know now is I am so thankful that it is only your friendship that I lost. Anything else I can survive.