Violence triggered my mental illness. I mean you don’t go from being a sweet, down to earth family girl to a narcissistic teenager over night although the transition seemed to be that fast. It seemed like the hormones moved in in a blink of an eye because in one split second I went from my father the hero to boy crazy. There is nothing I can do to change that piece of my past. I have tried everything in my power to block it out of my memory bank. Drugs, alcohol, more degrading relationships. After that experience if you were a loser in a 1000 yard radius I wanted to date you.
Trying to delete memories only left this large holes in my aura that needed to be filled. The demons began to move in as my alter ego took over. I never realized that mentally I had entered survival mode robbing me of normal free thought. Instead of being the calm gentle soul that I was born into I became angry, aggressive and mean. We never know just how much these budding relationships will affect who we are to become because half the time we are in denial that these events had a hand in shaping who we are. To think my first experience into finding a life partner came at the ultimate cost. I have the physical and emotional baggage that comes with surviving such an event but I also have the memory of terminating my first conceived.
Why even think this way? What good can come out of it? I spend the rest of my life grieving the life that could have been. Every step I took from that day forward I wanted to believe would be one of purpose. The biggest mistake was not healing my heart before trying to move on. I was made to believe that forgetting that experience would be the best way to thrive. That the whole in my heart would become smaller if I just forgot that I had to let her go. I feel sometimes in this journey we know the outcome before we even get there. My soul will always believe that I was gifted a daughter that I returned back to the Universe until there was a better time.
I don’t want you to think that I wish that my handsome son was in fact my beautiful daughter. When it is just me and him I truly know what heaven on earth feels like. I can feel our hearts beating and unison and in these moments I know that there is no greater love. He is the piece of my heart that exists outside of my body but there are times when my mental illness takes over and reminds me of the tragedy that has come before. I look for a confidante to rely my experiences too so I can release the heavy burden on my heart but when I speak of my turmoil I get shade. Have you ever wanted to trust somebody so bad that you have shared too much information? A piece of my heart longs to connect with a woman in the way I feel that I was destined to do all these years before.
An outburst rarely occurs because of the instant that is forthcoming. It is all the behind the scene pieces with tidbits of information that builds the image that results in one pivotal moment. There are so many sides to every story and in my experience most want to just listen to the easiest piece and move on. never truly believed that my son would be my only child. In fact I remember talking to a physic who told me that my daughter was there waiting on the other side. I think this one parcel of information has set me over the edge, screaming from all sides my heart hurts. I can hug my son and feel like he will always be enough but as I say those words m heart feels guilt over what I have done. I can’t stop the anxiety from threatening to consume me. I desperately try to find anybody other than my son to save me as she reaches her outstretched hand and I close my eyes and die. Figuratively of course. I guess it is my guilt that is killing me. I wish I could hold her and apologize for what I have done.
When your heart is filled with so much longing it is even more devastating when there is 0% you will ever meet her in this life. As my internal clock ticks on and the lack of intimacy threatens to consume me sometimes I feel the only way out is to just jump. I hear what you are all saying if I am not happy then just leave. But just like in every story there are more chapters and more characters to discover at least until the final page is read. I don’t think the answer comes in looking for greener pastures. There are no pastures on earth that would ever make my soul finally feel at ease. I have my son stepping into the roll as my savior making me believe that he is just too young to have to bare this weight and maybe there is somewhere else for me to go. My mental illness brings me so much shame. I hear everything that is being said as I share my roller coaster of emotions here on this platform. Some or tired of hearing me whine and to them I say congratulations on your perfect life. For me right now I can’t fix anything. My mental mind has cemented itself where it thinks and I can’t do much else change that right now. The solutions that are standard I have already experimented with. Counselling, medication, deep breathing, space. Mentally it becomes even harder when you think the rest of the world is just out mocking you like they did when Brittney Spears experienced her own mental decline. I remember how awful we spoke of those events then and now here we are 10 plus years later sympathizing with her. How can anybody trust those in their presence again after an experience like that? We all deserve to have a confidante to help see ourselves out of dark water. Usually though finding somebody who will always look for your light and try to guide you home takes a lot of hit and miss. You will never truly know who is your ride and die until they have passed the ultimate test. It is human nature for us to not to want to get dirty. We put on pretty clothes and stand like a statue too scared of a lil dirt or wrinkle. I wear my dirt like a badge of honour. It is my proof that I am a survival and I will always ride to the top. Those that kick me down when I am feeling the lowest will eventually feel the heat of their own interactions. Everything that goes eventually comes around. It is the nature of earth and our free will.