I was always the shyest girl in the room. Being shy also made it that I was also the awkward girl in the room, cracking ridiculous jokes that would follow with the green shade of shame. Some public outings would have me nervously critiquing the outcome making it so I would never step out of the shadows again. I was scared of what would be said about me. Some of the things being said would be said so many times that eventually I had no choice to let it penetrate my essence and dictate who I was to become. I was a shell of a woman filled with my own mistakes and embarrassment that threatened to erupt anytime I was being ridiculed or held out to dry. I got used to walking alone because the alternative, well I was already to badly damaged to even think about beginning to trust anybody else.
There are some people in life that can never get passed their own insecurities of who they perceive themselves to be. We convince ourselves that jealousy in any quantity is wrong. That you can’t be envious of somebody who is a stunning display of what you believe to be a woman’s finest skills and torment her accordingly to reduce her to your own level. Your shine long acquiring the patina gleam from all the women you scorned along the way. It’s like a data bank of information that I put on reserve to it is necessary. According to my calculations this maybe the third, no fourth, no fifth time you have betrayed my trust and tried to sweep it under the rug. Think about it. All the times you indirectly berated the things that I loved. I mean when you tell the world that your pet peeves are foam rollers and crinoline’s, both things that I love and photograph regularly, it is hard not to feel like maybe this was your way to begin your talk down of me.
I guess I should have known that the closest you live to your truth the harder it becomes to find honest people. Maybe also I am quick to jump the gun on those who are quick to betray my trust. Why build a friendship based on toxicity and lies? Shouldn’t a friend have your best interest at heart and be a reflection of who your heart knows you to be? I am trying to love my body and who I am meant to be in this world. I want to radiate positivity in my own skin even after 3 decades of being nothing more than a man’s piece of garbage. I am not confident but I hope I inspire others to be that is the primary reason why it is important for me to eliminate the toxic traits that have taken seed in so many pin-up communities. I want to say that I am shocked but the same people who were the first to jump ship were also the same people to cry when they didn’t place in a pageant, letting their jealous tendencies and true intentions fly. These women should probably be avoided at all costs. Jealous women will do and say anything to win the attention of passerby’s. They wouldn’t know the true meaning of being a friend if Thelma and Louise hit them off the side of the head. Why these women think they need an army of self serving drones to lift them up when their shit has been called out.
I am no saint by any means and I am sure these posts are doing nothing more than making those who are on the fence with me fully jump onto the farthest side and run for the hills. It is safer there, free from my rants in the greenest pastures you can ever imagine. It is impossible to think that you can be loyal to so many when you can’t even be loyal to yourself. I have watched the emotional servitude of one get down into the sewers only to be brought back up at the hands of a lover. I have watched her pictures go from something of a beautiful wonderment to these raw images designed to be an outlet for men’s sick fascination for fetishes. There is nothing wrong to exploit your raw sexual energy on a platform of YOUR choosing. It would have been better though, if those images were a portrayal of your soul and not the sick perverse thought of a man you are claiming to trust. In these ways you show just the side of you that will do anything for fame. You come down on me for images that I have been trying to become more comfortable with over time but somehow I have to be more accepting of you splayed on a kitchen table eating what can only be described as day old leftovers and humble pie.
I just read a meme that says “Don’t take criticism from people you would never go to for advice.” It should be updated to read don’t take criticism from people you would never got to for advice again lol. I maybe the worst at trying to make friends. Maybe even more so at keeping them. I have so many scars and places that are still raw from those that have discarded me along the way. There was never a time when I was good at this. All I wanted was a friend. Somebody real that I could share secrets with and not have to worry if they were going to repeat them to another for their own sick game. My childlike heart wishes to trust in the female bond of sisterhood again even though I did everything in my power to sever it. A lot of it came from being so badly damaged at a time necessary to perfect one’s social skills. When most girls were crying over boys I was crying over my best friend writing “baby killer” in red paint on the school wall. She must have got great joy watching me crumble at her expense. I want to trust so badly but I have to be careful at what level I allow somebody in. At times I want to say that I am the fake friend but I would never lie, I am hesitant. I am hesitant because I have seen the way you carry on with your relationships with others. I have seen the way you refuse to lead by your own example by doing the exact opposite of what your preach. I hate those that insist that their presence in your life is something of value only to learn that they were barely hanging onto themselves to begin with. Maybe I am the fake friend. Maybe it doesn’t matter. Who I need to be true to first is me, myself and I those that are attracted to my light will find me. Those living close to their own truth will stay.