I love to read. I love to honour the lives that walked on this Earth before me just like the were living in a timeline right beside me. My literary journey takes me into Berlin during the time that the country was separated between East and West. There is great horror that comes during this time that only those who lived will be able to appreciate. For those of us blessed to grow up during this time our heartaches are more self inflicted than a gun shoot wound to the back in your search for freedom. I can honestly say I didn’t even know much about the Cold War but when you open your eyes you can see why it is so important to try and live a better life than the one that is unfolding in front of us. WE take for granted so many blessing in this World thinking that we are entitled to more. Thinking like this absolves those beautiful souls that lives were amounted to nothing. Just like so many people are subconcisouly doing today.

My biggest fear is that I will never know this true heart ache of what millions were forced to live through. Their life has to be the same of mine. Their purpose just as great. Why is my life just littered with all this superficial mistakes yet another whose major decision should have been what school to go to now runs blindly in the night like for salvation. Last week I had a very public fall out with a girl group. I let my emotions run wild. Those who were in the wrong kept on citing this code of conduct that just magically seem to appear when they needed it most. I am alarmed at the similarities that govern this group much in the same way that communism was brought into the East. Although not as severe as the outcome made by these Soviet terrorists but the design is the same, break you from the inside so you silently conform to the out. Weeks leading to this display of lack of decorum I had had my chats set to silence. Anytime I had something to say i was shot out of the sky like a warbird destined to save those that she loved. My thoughts and feelings were intentionally driven into the ground making me wonder why is it we have left such faith in this bunch of bullies at all.

From the moment we entered into this group, that not only demanded a monthly fee and a promise to be supported, they pretty much demanded that you support each other from buying only from each other. We don’t like to add up the financial side of how much we had invested because when you are in the group any sway from the line of righteousness you were outed like yesterday news sinking like the Titanic. When any sort of free thinking is halted and a new style of thinking is imposed that is the start of a communistic group. Why do you think it was ok for me to set sails for more bountiful shores were all lives and bodies are embraced freely without a thought of devious intentions or failure on your part. There is a grain of similarity that is running from those families in the East much in the same way that the separation from these groups comes. Families had a choice before the Soviet army was to come in and take over. They had no idea of knowing the severity of the impact that was going to be forced upon them much in the same way the ideologies of these groups are forced onto those unsuspected victims.

Much in the same way when I decided to embrace a girl group I was hoping for acceptance and support at a time when I needed to feel the presence of a friend. What I got behind closed doors was scrupulous amounts of being made fun of and more often than not anytime I tried to join in on the conversation I was belittled and meant to fell like my insignificant life didn’t matter to them. We already know that there is no such thing as reverse racism. I am not saying that I fell victim to that. What I am saying is that if I had a mix of anything but this white blood that courses through me then they may have valued what I had to say. I was left to feel like nothing more than an inconvenience that had to be dealt with. I understand that culturally anybody who isn’t white hasn’t suffered like our people and friends of color. Am I supposed to have a thicker skin because of what a horrible pack of monster did Do I have to pay my whole life for all these sins even though I was never close to all of this public outcry for acceptance? Am I always going to be that silly white girl who tried to fit in and failed? Right now it doesn’t matter so much your opinion of me. I am the girl who will sit here crying into my coffee for the families separated during this time. They were forced to wait a whole life time (my lifetime) before that obscene wall was torn down.

There are similarities that keep what happens behind dropped curtains a secret much in the same way those girl groups dominate the psyche of those minds that are weak with there own deceptions. Is it enough to say oh guess what I just found out I am (insert nationality here) let me mold the minds of those that look up to us? Let me over run their brains with the tidbits of information that google lays out for me. It truly doesn’t matter who or what I pretend to be as long as my desired outcome of steam rolling over all facts is complete. Do you not feel any sort of remorse for the comical display that you reduce these lives to fit into your perfect plan? People were denied basic rights and freedoms as all that they knew was taken from them. They lost family heirlooms, property and even food to feed their families as they were told that these items were necessary to make this country thrive. ANYTIME anybody wants you to believe that something needs to be taken from you because of the greater good is rotten somewhere inside. Human instinct, natural human instinct should want to shelter all from the evil of the World knowing that somewhere they have been laid astray. You don’t want to publicly out somebody for their shortcomings unless of course their evil ways warrant this type of public outcry.

I am ashamed in my mental health that I allowed these girls to intercept my free thought and mold it to their desired outcome. When I look at those lives ripped apart for another’s gain I can’t help but feel the weight of their sorrow over take me. I don’t start my day with the evil mentality of who can I fool next. Who can I get to conform to my way of thinking so I appear to have a heart? The last week has been therapeutic for me as those with ill intentions have been revealed. Over the course of a week I have lost those we embrace the nazi culture, those who would rather critisize then lend a healing hand to a broken heart and those who believe that their words and thoughts are gospel and should be handed down as such. Of course I was overwhelmed and dealt the crushing weight of failure of all those lives that were lived but now forgotten. I have never needed to know anybody to feel the sorrow of their departure from the world. I guess that is what has made this part of my journey a little easier. I was lucky enough to have those exposed to me that I can not trust. There were those that weren’t so lucky as their children were rewarded for tattling on their parents, siblings, neighbors cousins. We encourage this behavior by outing those with the courage to stand up for even just one other’s indifference. If you ever wanted to dip your toes into how it must have felt like to be dictated to by a bunch of communists join your local girl group. I am not saying they are all bad but in the light of on-line presence nothing surprises me anymore. I can’t wait for this fog to be lifted and we are all forced back into the light exposing us for the true fakes we really are. I joined a girl group and was able to make it out somewhat socially intact. I am not sure I can say the same for the weaker mind, the broken heart and the socially damaged. Don’t we all deserve a divine intervention where we are lifted in peace and love. My heart is heavy and my soul walks amongst those that have been left to time, forever forgotten. I remember you. I will honor your existence for the rest of this life and leading into the next. My life just a vessel to try and heal the pain and stop the hurt.