My Conscious Mind

I am guilty of trying to keep everybody happy. I will dwell on scenarios and circumstances trying to determine exactly where I went wrong. For somebody desperate to be loved it seems I do exactly what is necessary to drive others away and you may say I have perfected this habit. In the desire to have more you naturally have less. You can’t influence the Universe to side in your favour when the Universe is not even controlled by us. We control our environment it is unlikely to assume you can control anything else.

It is impossible to think that are happiness isn’t tied to another. Our whole lives have been surrounded by people who care, or it least it should be. When I dwell too long on a situation that is out of my hands my anxiety and depression swarms around me and threatens to take me to the depths of no return. At least for me I would love to have my intentions reciprocated. Wouldn’t it be nice to have something that you can rely on to give you strength and see you through? I think that is why I have become so enthralled with any life that has been lived before me (even those that live concurrently with my own). Human drive for survival is so intriguing. All around us there are stories of drive and passion and even stories that have become horrific symbols of carnage and inhumanity. I find it hard to celebrate this genre of horror as it celebrates the evil that we as humans have become.

Even now in this early hour a heated debate breaks out between me and my spouse. It is just like the male brain to tell me to f*ck those that don’t like me and move on. I think it becomes harder when you know that the version of you that they are trying to portray to the world is false. Nobody likes to feel like they have been hung out to dry or sold down the creek without a paddle but sometimes that is what it takes to grow as an individual and move on. You need pain and you need heartache to pull at the barriers of your heart and soul to make you a better person. How can one sympathize with another when they have little or no experience to compare it to at all. Take these world leaders who engage in these ridiculous debates that serve no other purpose than providing some entertainment into our day. If we are directly affected by the topics we feel betrayed by the choice of words they let slip from their lips. How can a leader show any compassion for the people they are paid to keep safe when they in fact probably haven’t had to struggle like most of the masses? If you don’t know how it feels to go to work with an empty belly how would you know how hard it is to keep focused throughout the day? If you have never had to experience the heartbreak of a failed relationship, death of a loved one, or heaven forbid the loss of a pet how can you claim to know what is right for us all?

There are times that I forget who I truly am as I try to pretend to be somebody I never wanted to be. Watching my son’s face sleep as he curls his lips and sometimes lets out a little laugh I know that there is no other experience on Earth that I would rather be. Yet somehow I get carried away with trying to take a picture that will get a million likes or maybe a look that will captivate the hearts of mankind (who am I kidding I am no Helena lol). I like to paint those that or just acquaintances into a broader space of my social circle. I have always been jealous of my sister’s ability to make and keep close friends. She has this natural way of getting people to gravitate towards her and me well I am nothing more then that uncomfortable stiletto that you are missing the other shoe too. I am so awkward when it comes to women I have no idea how to act. My heart wants to trust but my mind always tells me remember what happened last time? Do you really want to go through all that again? My reality for me is it is hard to trust myself. When given the choice to make the wrong one I will wrap it up in a pretty package and present it with a bow then have a literal mental break down when the contents of the box is nothing like it appears.

I need to be honest with myself and the journey that I am. Some will not like this honest approach to life as they themselves may have been burned as well. It is crazy to think that right now in this moment I should feel anything but pride. Maybe not pride but to be humbly happy in the sense that millions of people sacrificed their lives in order for us to live ours now. We could be living in a socialist regime forbidden to find success in this life, destined to be miserable. After all the heart ache the world has experienced you think there would be this desire to be better, to do better. How many innocent lies need to be lost in this torrential turmoil for power and control? The longer we feed the green eye beast the longer it will take to tame. I am so guilty of trying to win over the hearts of strangers that I am breaking my own just to feel some level of acceptance. My conscious mind tells me to look out for number one but my sub conscious mind reminds me that in the bigger picture I am merely spec. That it is only when we come together that true beauty is really formed. To fully feel loved and accepted for who I truly am would be the world’s biggest gift. Now if only I can convince my mind I am worthy of both just maybe my heart will finally feel peace.

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