It is Saturday. And for all sense of purpose it is 6:30am here. My son had a terrible time getting to sleep as he drifted off around 2am. Somewhere in the last 4 hours my husband has taken it as an excuse to exert his power over us. Sitting there listening to him scream about money he claims to need for a coffee I can’t believe this is my life. He fails to notice anything about me as I am nothing more then a vessel to make his life easier. Case and point yesterday when I was made to believe that if I cleaned the house in an a pleasing matter maybe he wouldn’t push me to the brink of insanity like he tried to do last weekend.
I am tired and exhausted as the weight of this family falls squarely onto my shoulders. Yes he is the bread winner. That was our agreement. I passed up an opportunity to utilize both of my degrees for what? To be treated like an insignificant part to my family. I try to talk to the only person that should understand my dilemma but even she doesn’t want to here what is tormenting my heart as she shrugs it off and passes it along. Even this morning as he changed his story from just needing a coffee to now needing gas I just shook my own head wondering what he was truly up to. The piggy bank I slipped the money into sits on top of a shelf where it has always been. He has watched me several times putting change into put now with me having only four hours sleep he is slamming the cupboards like a little child. Judging by his reaction he is needing the money for cigarettes. A habit I hate as I quit almost 4 years ago. I hate the expense, the smell, the fact that every time you are taking an inhale you are giving a big f you to those that care.
I think that this is why it is so important that when I think about those that are close to me I demand complete honesty and respect. I already have a husband who demoralizes me in everyway imaginable why do I need a friend that will do that too? My heart is wear it has always been, right there on my sleeve. Over the years it has been battered and abused and a few stitches of fallen away but when I am forced to take a good hard look at somebody’s integrity their intentions come into clear view. My absolute favourite attempt at faking loyalty is the strategically placed screen shot designed to show that you would never betray a friend. But you did. Even though it is not so black and white it is very much grey. The Words you didn’t say calling you out and the true friend you actually are.
When I think about how I would give my all to somebody I love I look for examples in my own life of friends that are a living image of who I aspire to be. Off hand I can think of one true friend who if invited and could get the time off of work she would walk the ends of the Earth with me no questions asked. When somebody lights a fire and threatens to fan the flame my way she is the first one with a bucket of water screaming not today Satan fighting the inferno with both hands. Sometimes in complete frustration I fail to recognize her the way that she does me. In my attempt at self righteousness I failed to honour the one true friend I have. For her I need to do better in life. We all have our moments of weakness but it all amounts to his standing there with an outstretched hand waiting to save us. And that gem always has. If my husband shadows the worse part of this scenario she truly is the best. If ever there was a ride and die she would be mine. Her life is a true blessing into my World.
I don’t want my life to hurt any body. I want my life to be remembered for some good in a time where we were uncertain in the direction of our future. I stay sometimes where I am convinced I am not wanted because in the same sense I am convinced that I am needed. I do feel taken advantage of but I wonder what women hasn’t been. Gone or the days of a clear male and female tasks. The desire to be with my son full time and take direct ownership and responsibility of how he turns out is a weight that some have to take on in addition to trying to put food on the table. I think marriage was designed to protect us for sacrificing our working potential in order to provide the necessary building blocks of life to our offspring. I think our children began to take a back burner when the western world started to brainwash us into believing that what you had at home was peanuts and the rest of the world was a deluxe nut mix complete with pistachios. We have barely broken the land and we stopped working together as a family to achieve success. We turned in jobs of hard harbor to office jobs pushing pencils and shredding paper. Where once all the hard work went right back into the family now investing in the career threatens to bankrupt the family as a whole.
Who implemented these vows into our lives binding ourselves with another into eternity? Was this last physical barrier deemed necessary in order to cement your intentions of a family? There are so many families that lay broken throughout the world and I have to question how important family truly is. Family has to be the backbone when the rest of the world turns their back to you or at least I thought. Four hours sleep is not enough for me when I am struggling with what is important and what is insignificant. I am struggling with the idea of my husband turning on all the lights yelling as loud as he could over a mere few dollars for coffee. It is hard to be loyal to a man who sees your existence as merely a stepping stone in making his life better. I am tired of existing alone in this house of chaos while he sleeps. I wonder how much longer I have in me to stay in something that is neither better or worse or just is. Either way I can see how he respects me in that in itself is something very hard to ignore.