I never thought the person who hated me most in this life would be my husband. This single fact makes me long to take my last breath. I already feel this great shame because I have failed as a daughter and now no matter what I do I have failed as a wife. When I think about the nights I lay awake crying to the sounds of his snores I wonder what I did in life to deserve this maybe I already know.
I was an awful human being who hid behind the abuse that I thought justified me being horrible. Is it possible to be tired of all the yelling and find the strength to walk away. I mean I feel half in half out. This was not what I expected. I thought a famiy would meam home cooked meals and love and togetherness. What I got was a man who lies about smoking cigarettes and who knows what else. He makes me sad when I think about the potential of life lost when we agreed to be a family. I had no idea just how one sided and isolated being a wife could be.
His biggest argument is he makes the money that this is the extent of his contributions. He wanted a puppy I got the headaches that came with it. He hates home cooked food so we suffer with bare cupboards. It is hard not to feel angry when his car is loaded with take away garbage and we sit here wondering what can to open. When I saw something it is always my fault. My fault for not having a shopping list. My fault for not going out. With COVID numbers on the rise out there I don’t like to be out not to mention though it is not my money so I always have to justify what I spend.
Without a job, with no career it is hard to find purpose. My days have adjusted to keeping the house clean and trying to tackle the tasks that will minimize his anger towards me. This is an impossible task because no matter what order I do anything in the last things to be done is what makes him mad. I am beyond exhausted, mentally, physically spirituality. It seems whenever I make any progress in one direction he grabs me back forcing me to see an alternate reality one that has me feeling weak and obsolete.
More often I am surrounded with these people who only talk to me when their intentions is to harm me. Nobody seems to recognize my existence and when they do it feels just a little too late. I don’t like liars and I sure hate fakes. Why is their so many determined to ride on anothers coat tails try to fool us all on their take. Just peeking my eyes out of the clouds you can see our world littered with these types of people. Constantly bulldozing trying to get a rise out of anybody within ear shot. Does everybody in our lives have to be an atagonist? Am I forced to become my own hero? In a world force fed on selfish behaviour, canabolistic in nature how do I become somebody in this life that others will look up to instead of disgust from the lies that they hear?
The only way I can save my thoughts is to fully lose myself in my thoughts in that moment. Sometimes just keeping a level head while you listen to anothers interpretation of you is enough to make you mad. I can see how somebody who cuts would feel this intense release of tension. Listening to my husband make fun of my life when all I was trying to do was make the animals in my care feel loved sent me over. In that moment all of my fear and insecurities of would I ever be loved hit me like a sledgehammer. I ripped out the bun on the top of my head and resisted the urge not to pummel my own face out of anger. Never did I think of hurting him I wanted to damage me. I wanted to feel something other than the emotionally draining pain I felt constantly every day. I wanted to feel something even if it was just fistfuls of rage. The only person at risk in these moments is me, myself and I. The only words I could mutter to him was I was sick of thinking I wanted to die. I am really tired of thinking that way. It takes away from what truly awakens my heart. I am running out of time as a furiously look for the answers that were never meant to be graced with my eyes.
I am human. I will cry when words hurt. Lash out in anger when somebody threatens the health and safety of somebody I love and most of all I will make mistakes. I never dreamed I would be perfect or constantly happy. What I wanted was a life that gave me purpose and maybe lifted up another. I will never be afraid to speak my mind or stand up for what I believe is right. Some people were only sent to offer up resistance and indirectly give you strength. Nothing is perfect the first time around all you can do is try. I need to focus on stopping the frost that has entered my garden taunting my inner flower to whither up and die.