Did you ever get so scared of your own thoughts that it begins to paralyze our being? The more you divulge into the lives of others you can see the scars beginning to form from long ago. For as long as I can remember all I wanted to be was loved. Now I can see that there is not many that I would want to be loved by so all I can do is focus on myself. Focus on myself and gain as much knowledge as I can so my son can have a stronger existence in this life.

I have been trying to understand the evolution of our own existence trying to make it make sense. What is happening currently is in direct contradiction with what has happened in the past. Living in a multi cultural nation has made it even more volatile. There has never been a mutual understanding or forgiveness of the pain and suffering that we have each suffered. But in order to make sense of it all I also have to become the most hated as I say these words that trouble me most. I won’t deny that unspeakable acts were performed on a race brought here by our forefathers who built this country. They were tortured, beat, stolen from, had their families ripped apart for no more than greed and the hopeful promise of maybe being treated better. Pyramids were erected before our time using slave labor or perhaps the Natives founded in the surrounding land. Targets needed to be met and lashes needed to be handed out in order to get these monuments built. Do we cry over their treatment knowing that trace the timeline far enough we are all connected to that event too? What difference does it make if the abuse was handed out 100 years or a few thousand years all that should matter is a once promised life has been reduced to dust and never gain should their true potential ever be realized.

The Colosseum that we so lovingly flock to for it’s grandeur of epic proportions was built by Jewish slaves. we feel it doesn’t directly affect us in this life so we have no need to think about those that gave their lives to the Romans to see their dreams come to life. Again I wonder why is it that we don’t care about these people. These people who were enslaved for another man’s game. The horrific sacrifice of war was not in death. Dying made you a hero in the eyes of those you have protected. When you are captured and made to do unspeakable, unthinkable things to each other and the company you keep you begin to lose your dignity and grasp on humanity and control. I don’t want to to not pay my respects to any life that paid the ultimate price for me to have the life that I have now. Instead of being loved I am destined to be hated looking for the unsung heroes of long ago and letting them know I hear the whispers that they cried when all others turned their backs. To the living I turn my back on you horrified of who we allowed each other to become on our quest for fame and fortune. I will forever denounce the potential for fame and fortune out of respect for those who paid the ultimate price. For their loss I am truly sorry.

So now I must confess something that makes me embarrassed but I feel like it needs to be said. I do have trouble connecting with anybody but that is because I know that it is human for us to have choice to either choose right or choose wrong. Everybody who gets to choose does what is right for them that is also human nature. However there is something deeper that moves from the superficial. It is doing what is pure and what is evil. What sets you aside from every other human out there is when given the choice which way do you choose? It is not so much racism or fascism or wanting complete control. It is a direct when given the choice when you are the only one to know do you choose to be evil or do you choose good? Choosing not to participate does not get you off the hook. Just as the hand who conducts evil you not stopping the hand is just the same. I choose not to connect with people because I am can not trust which side of the line that they fall on. We have all told a lie somewhere along the line whether or not it was to save our own skin or somebody else’s we love the red A doesn’t fall on you because of that. I honestly look to see how you treat others. When their back is turned and you think that they can’t hear

Maybe I am caught up on what happened to these hero’s that suffered the most heinous events that have ever happened in war. I mean directly starving human beings because they are your enemy for no reason other than that. Looking into the eyes of a man who is begging for salvation and you club them with not just your fists but clubs and other hands what kind of human being gets satisfaction out of this intense torture? Others can argue that they had no choice because then the beatings would turn to them. But every once in a while a true hero comes and refuses to budge. They would slip food or little slivers of sustenance which were really hope that mankind never gave up on them they could find the will to live another day. Still yet was the man who refused to turn on their fellow man no matter how hard and furious the beatings came. I guess what makes me furious is out of 7 billion people I can truthfully say not many of you would stand across the line of purity rather than evil. If you were given the choice to save the man beside you but in return you would suffer a beating I know most of you would walk away. I see it in the news everyday. I see innocent men and women dying in our streets screaming for a God who will never hear them because that God we are searching for lays asleep inside each of us. We don’t want to risk our lives because we are too selfish to reach for that outstretched hand because we somehow put a higher value on ourselves. When I find out how many ways when given the chance the people who walked amongst us failed each other I can’t stop the tears from coming. I want to purify my soul and make it so it doesn’t hurt but I can’t forget what we have lost and continue to lose at the hands of evil, the weaker man.