The first time I can remember wanting to kill myself I was 13. There was no reason for it other than my Dad telling me he didn’t want me to see my boyfriend anymore. How odd now looking back at it because this was the same boy who abused me for a year and a half but the damage was already done. He had made me believe that no other boy would ever want to date me so it was this insecure fear that gravitated me towards him. My wish for my younger self back then is that instead of being fearful of conversations about life, I wish my parents would have dived right in.
What becomes important in our lives are similar to those things that are the first to become insignificant. When all we know is family we take it for granted that they will always be there. I had no way of knowing that there would be some things in life that the average person would always choose. That being the infatuation of always being accepted disguised as outpourings of love. As the World appeared to get bigger isolation soared to the masses as the way we communicated with each other became so impersonal and even obsolete. We don’t know the people we confide in the most as it is far easier to reach out to the vastness of space in the hopes that what we have to say will be heard. When it comes to our own pain and tortured thoughts those we think we love and who love us back will turn their backs on us faster than we could have ever thought possibly. Until you lose somebody forever in the physical seperation that last enternity you truly don’t know the value that person had in your life.
When I think about my own death there is a mixture of fear and eventual relief that comes with it. The fear comes in not knowing what will happen to me when I go but also to those that I leave behind. When the time comes there are no goodbyes just this unavoidable silence that will forever divide the two. The relief comes in finally having my mind be at rest from my thoughts that have forever tried to break me…broke me? Only time knows and in time they will have to tell. Just thinking about it now makes me catch my breath in the sense that I know it will happen but when. There has to be some calm satisfaction in knowing that my life is relatively calm compared to some that have lived in some pretty volatile times in history. I have no idea what or how it would ever feel like with no running water, power civilization yet so many lived to experience all that and more. Yes we are still battling some diseases and unavoidable health scenarios but we do have modern science that is trying to minimize and mitigate the feeling of loss in an untimely fashion. There are so many emotions that all living beings have to go through and it is this combination and feelings that constitutes as living.
What embarrasses me most is thinking how incredible selfish I have let my emotions become. My emotions are this incredible intense roller coaster ride that would make most beings retch in pain. At any given moment I can feel a multitude of emotions all at once and then nothing. I can shut myself down quicker than most people can accelerate through a green light. What pain has taught me is that we are capable of surviving so much yet some of us are strung to the lowest point that no man or woman should ever have to endure. And we they get there nobody wants to help bring them back up to the light from the depths of their despair. Did you know that over 80% of Canadians who returned from being Prisoners of War from japan had neurological damage. Factor in that nobody other than those that were paid to listen could stomach what they were forced to endure made suicide and alcoholism almost inevitable. I think it is incredibly odd that in a society that now glorifies violence and torture we let these incredible honorable men just slip through our fingers. I just couldn’t imagine wanting them to experience how great and kind life can be after under going such incredible horrors.
So far the most obvious conclusion ins contradictory to what people want you to believe. First off there is no way possible that good people die at the hand of bad people and we all end up in the same place. In the dirt. There are people out there who murder children and you want me to believe that those sweet beautiful souls don’t move on to something bright and beautiful after what the hand of cards they were just dealt! BULLSHIT! I don’t know entirely what I believe but there is a reason why we have these stories of salvation and inner peace. Tales that get handed down from generation to generation but now we are too busy in our own lives to step back and listen. My hope for my future is to try and learn as much as I can as quick as I can in this second chance that I have been given passing on what I am learning along the way. I am my son’s first teacher and he deserves his best shot at a life worth living filled with promise and hope.
There is so much more to life then what is right in front of our eyes but we just don’t have the patience to see through the smoke and mirrors. If it ain’t making us money we don’t want to engage in it because we are literally living on our last dimes. Obviously something got miscommunicated along the way because it makes no sense why we want to keep making the rich richer. It is almost like all they tyrant’s throughout history made a deal to keep us manageable and poor .In reality we are the modern day slaves working our fingers to the bone with just barely enough to get by.