Do you feel the difference? If I were to ask you what do you prefer and you can only choose one which one would you choose? The untrained eye will you tell you the same but a soul on fire can spot the difference in an instant. Can you describe a person that you see has having achieved success? Behind the happy smiles of indifference and beyond the greenback lining of their trust accounts you will see that in fact we are not the same. Where your happiness is derived from what you find in your closet or the cars you drive my smile comes from deep within. I don’t need to be validated by anybody else in this life but me therefore I get to live differently.
I never claimed to be a saint, in fact those who know me well will say that I am nothing more than a sinner but at the end of each and every night I can lay my head down and drift away. My mind doesn’t wander to events since past replaying the outcome in my mind. I have learned to accept myself and all my faults and bring them all out into the light so they can never be used against me again.. To exist in a way where I might regret something or someone that I have become is just something that I can not do. I had this deep desire to be loved by many but not at the rate they were trying to drive. The currency that they dealt in was something so foreign then me I had to just get out. Imagine being sold this idea that they were just like you. They wanted you to buy into what they were selling because what they wanted from you money can’t buy. You can’t attract human decency when you in essence don’t have it in yourself to give.
Look at what it is we decide to celebrate. Clinging to these victories at the expense of another’s mental health. I will never understand why we determine our own success in this way. We would rather steamroll over somebody that might have something decent to offer and wrap it up in this package to try and under estimate their own value. Something happens after 4 decades of absorbing the energies of the world around you, it becomes easier to spot those with ill intentions and that are fake. People like to change the colour of the picture to suit their own needs. Trying to tell the world the apple in your hand is not an apple even though you are standing under an apple tree. Just because you wrapped it up to look differently doesn’t mean you changed what is inside. The fruit never falls far from the tree unless of course it has fallen downhill. I in fact have no time to judge what fires up under another person. All I know is if it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck I am not going to believe you if you tell me it’s a chicken because I know birds of a feather flock together and I for one am too tired to keep up. My success is measured far differently and it comes from the company I keep. If every furry, feathered, naked lil creature in my house is happy then I am success. My success is measured from the love I receive and give and not the opinion of a few sheep.
What makes a mean girl mean? Sometimes mean girls are just who they are and there is no changing that fact. Sometimes a girl can become hard from the hand of cards that she has been dealt. Sometimes it is hard to absorb that what you thought was a common occurrence and just a part of growing up you learn is in fact a horrific experience that not many have to deal with. In a World where I grew up jealous of other girls just being normal I spent my whole life searching for somebody who could fix what was broken inside. I didn’t feel normal inside after all that I endured. My heart still longed for a Father that would look at me like I wasn’t damaged. I was tired of getting thrown away for my Dad’s next girlfriend as he tried to make his life make sense. When I learned that my Dad despised me and had written me off as just a drunk I never thought that I would ever see much success in life. In a World where I so desperately just wanted to fit in I found myself looking in from the outside. The pain of wanting to be loved unconditionally scars and all was becoming a weight that I could not bare. I see the heads whip around and want to give me a what’s up because I have so much to be thankful for. I do have a lot to be thankful for and I know that. That is how I am not going to compromise my integrity for nobody. Not even a group of bullies.
When you spend your whole life looking for even a sliver of normal when you find it you will compromise nothing to keep it. My success will always be determined by the love in my heart that I will share with those that are worthy of it. Too often in life we sell ourselves short in engage with those that are les than beneficial to our lives. I know that you have noticed them you are just too scared to sever the cord. A leech will one day suck the life right out of you as they have put a high value on material wealth. After a lifetime of feeding the beast and being a carrier what else can you truly expect.