What makes you get out of bed in the morning? Do you wake up eager to start the day or do you roll over and hide underneath the covers? How much of your life are you prepared to sleep away in the hopes of finding something better? With the absence of smoke filled mirrors like the ones from the night before do you like what you see when you open your eyes or are you scared to face the World?
For as long as I could remember I hated opening my eyes. Every time I did I was rushing off to be somewhere on somebody else’s time daydreaming about a life I thought I wanted but never was lucky enough to receive. It is funny what we wish for out of a depressed state and the things that we take for granted out of a weak basic feeling of entitlement. When was the last time you lived a day full of all the tasks that fill your heart with joy. What if we could make the most out of everyday with just picking the right attitude would that be something you would be willing to try?
My mental mind begs for attentions and threatens to cement me into reality. The World’s reality is a shut down is imminent. How are we not surprised that Mother Nature has decided to retaliate after all that we have done. We have never taken a second to appreciate our surroundings only dictating to others what we believe their opinion should be. There is so much more than this hamster wheel of emotion that we have all accepted as common place. You can see it in the day to day choices that we make into what we deem as important. I guess for me it is a lot different. I get to sit and observe the way that nature unfolds on the day to day. Where we want to believe that we are the only species entitled to love and emotion I have witnessed first hand that this is not true. Lots will say that I am crazy but my reality is just to laugh and let it go. If my mind is so simple and not worth much paying attention too that is more your belief than mine. Sitting here sipping my coffee as the sun begins to reach the snow I can’t help but to feel at peace in my surroundings even as the rest of the World threatens to let go.
We are not a species that is content with feeling love from just one. Unfortunately though we have perverted love to resemble these relationships filled with carnage pleasures and pain. If all we were meant for was to lay on our backs and engage in the next meaningless experience we wouldn’t have been given the power of thought. We have valued our living experience to be this just one physical experience convincing ourselves that without it we will wither up and die. Who are we but physical beings with wanton desires and ways? If this is the true valuation of life how can we begin to explain anything else?
It is hard for me to gather my thoughts in a World filled with such horrors. The things that we celebrate so freely or the very things that threaten my whole inner being. If we are only validated by the sex we have and the partners we keep does that mean those that sacrificed their lives for us do so for nothing? Thousands upon thousands of men and women were deprived basic necessities and were stripped from even having basic human compassion. We should honour their sacrifice every minute that we are alive and not waste it away by dishonouring ourselves and our families. I was the first to say my life had no value because of what was a sexless relationship. Hollywood wants me to believe that without this experience my life is worthless. If I am not getting swept away in 50 shades of grey then I must live and unfortunate existence. What if I told you I am sick of seeing grey and I want to live in colour? Why be blindfolded and tied to a bed when I can let my heart and soul run free? If I bound myself in such a way then my experience is just as dull as yours. I will not have my life defined in such torrid experiences that corrupt my soul. If I understand the bible correctly this is the very trait that invites the fire in and threatens to light all that you know ablaze.
What I learned in motherhood and sub sequentially as a wife that there is comfort in the day to day that I had never had before in life. Of course as a single lady I knew just what was needed to pay the bills and every thing after that would show my worth. What my heart was missing though was a family to call my own and an existence that made sense. I don’t even look at my past with hungry eyes and long for a distant time. Truth be told the bar scene was only fun to me when I was 19 and once I moved out of my small town it lost it’s appeal. I was never one for random encounters in fact I think I only have ever just had one. What I miss is that nervous, excited feeling of running into all your friends and maybe even that one special someone you have given your heart to long ago. I can still remember the hope that the guy I had my eye on over all the years would be in the same room as me and wondering if this would be the time I finally had the courage to tell him so. Thinking of his smile when I saw him in the halls brings so much happiness to my heart and what better way to start the day.
One of my husband’s greatest qualities is he has always treated me as a lady. We even met more conventionally on a dating app but he was kind enough to never put any pressure on me. I loved that he saw me as more than just a pair of legs. When somebody invests their life with yours you feel guilty when you think in any other way. I have learned to honour those imperfections in my thinking as I try to relay them back to him. No relationship has ever been perfect. You can see it in the ways we are eager to let go. With so many others trying to capture our attention of course they will say the words that we can’t hear when it comes to our spouse. I for one have always been hesitant when presented with this sort of attention. I have been around for 40 years and have yet to only capture the attention of my husband. Anything else just seems out of place.