There is nothing more confusing to me then the notion of how we calculate our success. When I was working my butt off I was never ahead, not really. There was always something more that I could dream of, first being a family to call my own. Sure I was successful in the sense that there were no creditors hounding at my door but at the end of every night with nothing more than my cats to cuddle up with my heart longed for something more.
I could have settled along the way but deep down I knew that in doing so I would be left sitting right where I was now. At least for now the only person I was truly disappointing was myself as my family insisted they were happy with whoever it was I was to become. Unless of course you ask my Dad. He just had a natural hate on for me ever since he met his new wife. Come to think of it I have them to thank for my modern belief that fairytales are real and magic does exist if we believe it to. My step mother (just rolls off of the tongue and I have never honoured her with such a title. Mainly because I regard mothers in the highest role possible and for her role in my life she is nothing more than that evil witch) was quick to sever the ties from all of my Dad’s family. People want to believe that I have done the same in my family but truth be told I am open to anybody receiving a loving nurturing relationship in my family. Unless of course you have done something to hurt me then our relationship is off. Not the relationships that my son and husband are capable of making they are free beings capable of making their own decisions.
Just like in most tales told I had to kiss a lot of toads along the way but deep down a never wanted to settle. I had these high standards that needed to be met and until someone came along that possessed these things than cray cat lady I would be. Looking back I spent many countless nights burning these angel candles that were supposed to bring my life partner onto me. Just like I used to get when I would buy one of those charmed aroma candles I would anxiously await to see what prize would be in store. I am not sure when the light finally flickered on but I am so thankful that it did. When asked about the turning point in my life to me it was simple, you have to change everything you have ever known in order to receive a gift you never had. What that meant is whatever I was doing presently I needed to change. All the negative, toxic relationships/friendships I had had to stop. Nobody truly cared for me much anyways. To say that I was the butt of most jokes in my lil community would be an understatement. That is why my guard is up and put way up because any time I peered over the edges to look at the songbirds one would fly over top and sh*t on my head.
If I was going to be made to feel like I was on my own then I might as well go off and see what the rest of the World had to offer and fly. Spreading my wings I looked at the World as being everything was possible instead of the listening of the ticking clock nearby. Nothing starts to happen in your life until you look deep within and say I am worth it to at least try. I can think of millions of other souls who died dreaming of one day standing in our place. I owe it to them and to myself to forgive all that has hurt me so far in this life and live my life differently. I am so embarrassed for the way I had hoped for victory over another human being. I don’t want to win at the expense of another being feeling hurt. I guess I am over that stage in my life. It is ok to engage I suppose if there is a purpose, a passion, a fire in the heart. But for the most part now I can see the predatory aspect that is infecting the World at large. When we open the doors for the mediocre to judge this touches on some of my previous posts. Who are we entrusting with these score sheets of life that are going to be emotionally damaging to most if not all.
I get it now. I see it all and for me there is no way in going back. Once the gates of tyranny run rampant in our on-line communities we will see the mental health go down. Even from the first time I submitted my first entry you can see the quality of the pageant line-up decline. We went from this super fun community that shadowed what I can only believe to be Viva to this I don’t know what but I am growing to be ashamed community of what it is growing to be now. Don’t get me wrong there are some that I will always support such as Vintage and Hause and of course anything Electric or Australia which have been there from the beginning but the newbie ones. Those we need to watch out for. Anybody is open and free to run with the on-line pageant theme I just hope they know what they are doing and have a strong supportive community such as the one we have built up.
So now as I sit in my home with my family that 6 years ago I was only dreaming of I can tell you anything can change in an instant. Instead of sitting across from the guy with methed out teeth you can be taking the time to get to know yourself in ways that you never knew you could. D/o you find yourself interesting? Do you enjoy your own company? Aside from getting lost in the latest Netflix series what do you do? It is very rare that I sit. The only shows I watch are something that my son picked out. As a stay at home mom I pack into a lot into my day. I like to live my life with so much purpose that I have no choice but to feel fulfilled. There is always something to do other than sit on the internet. I have all the lives that need me, my violin, my books, my blog that rarely does it enter my mind to think about what others think of me. I love the way it feels to get all dressed up and dance around the house with my son as I clean The biggest compliment I ever heard was when my husband’s friend said he has never seen our house so clean. I have been grinning ear to ear ever since I heard that. I take a lot of pride in the happiness and cleanliness of my home. They are never a burden to me. I would give my life a million times over for any one of them because they are the light and love in my life (this includes my son and husband) I value and appreciate the time I get to spend doing what I love in the shadows of my Grandmother being the best housewife and mother one can be. I could be just another housewife or I could be the best darned housewife the World has ever seen.