In Search of Something More

The general consensus is we all want something more out of life. We hope that all we have to do is birth this thought from our minds but the reality for most of us is we have to put in some work. More to putting in the work you have to believe that in doing so there is value there. We mistake the importance of how it feels when our heart begins to soar versus the feeling we get when somebody from the outside looking in acknowledges us. That is the biggest misconception of them all.

The opinion of others. That is what grips at our minds as we lay awake to tormented by our own thoughts to find sleep. I know I have fallen victim to casting aside my own expectations of ever finding a decent person to share my life with. The trail of souls that have been cast away after damaging somebody else littered the streets of were I could be frequently found. My father had always told me that life was always easier with a partner a second half but looking down the barrel of yet another long list of swiping right there had to be another way.

Everybody wants to be your friend until you begin to take attention away from them. What so many misconceive is I have no desire to take away from the spotlight that so many feel they deserve. I just want to be happy and loved and if I can do that with perfectly coiffed hair and winged linger than all the better. I care about the people I meet. I want to engage with them and learn their stories. My focus has always been to those in the room with me and I hate the feeling of having to compete. In life we are all given this small parcel of time and I would hate for anybody to feel anything but valued when they are in my presence. I guess I was expecting a life filled with solitude because my generation no longer cared to sit at home and bask in the company of each other. We had to numb our senses to the experience that preventing true bonding and loyalty anyways.

The problem I had with going to these bars that can only be explained to as of dive is it prevented establishing a connection that was important to me. How can I look into somebody’s eyes or rest my hand gracefully on his forearm if I am competing for his attention with another girl that has entered the room or worse yet the dim lights and even poorer acoustics. The level I wanted to connect with somebody was fleeting from reality faster than I could catch it and that is what was scaring me. I didn’t want to wake up beside somebody I didn’t remember because of the substances I had engaged in from the night before. I wanted to establish something long lasting that would pull at the heart strings and leave you wanting more. All that was left for me was somebody else’s tragedy and I was growing tired of picking up the pieces only. The problem with investing any time into somebody other than yourself is that they will one day pick up and leave you, leaving you to feel broken and incomplete.

So when you finally get to that point where more is feeling reached what ends up happening…you want more. The smile that once made your heart skip now barely even contributes to its beat. The voice that tingled the little hair in your ear lobes now nauseates you to your core. We are never happy we are always left wanting more. We aren’t rich by the experience we are only rich by wealth. Everything else falls to the side as it is nothing more than an inconvenience and a price of being alive. Look at the way we selfishly carry on with our day to day because nobody’s existence is more precious than our own. We will threaten the whole human experience just to prove a point. How many can say that they can walk away without proving who was right? My favourite reaction is just to be still and to take in the moment. I replay the conversation is in my head contemplating the effect my words will have on the outcome. Sometimes I take too long as I let the conversation unfold. My mind is geared towards avoiding conflict which is very strange to all those who have known me from way before.

For as long as I can remember I saw the world as being grey. I didn’t want to ask for too much because I always felt that there were others out there who were suffering more than me. I already knew that I could live broken I quickly learned to adapt to this fact. I am terrified of what it would feel like to be truly happy but this is a feeling I am trying to acknowledge head on than to ignore. In my experience when you let your guard down and become truly happy it is followed by something soul shattering and it will corrupt you to it’s core. If you would let it. I knew my demons. I knew what I could handle. My wish was to take the pain from others and keep them entertained enough until they were ready to go out on their own. I never wanted another being to feel pain because of something I had done. I have asked for forgiveness and sent my soul free. In this way I am free to be happy with the gifts that I find knowing that nobody was harmed in anyway in getting them to me. Do I want more? Of course I want more but they are in the form that no wealth could every buy. I want my Dad to be a part of my life and those 20 years to not be lost when he decided to not pursue any kind of relationship with me. I long for a daughter to give her the wisdom that I obtained in my life so that it doesn’t die inside of me. I see so many people struggling with their own reality and just letting things be. We are transitioning to a period we have never seen before so in essence some sort of panic and resistance was inevitable. The only way we can awaken from this nightmare is to try and tame the beast within. We don’t want to anger the beast inside that can rip us all to shreds instead we want to harmonize in a way that legends have been told.

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