I am a Woman

I am a woman so why should I feel ashamed about that? I did all the right things. I went straight to post secondary school right out of high school, lived with my first boyfriend. Got cheated on. My first mistake was believing that the order of living made sense. My second was mistake was believing that if you did the right thing than naturally somebody would see the value in you and choose you as a mate. As a woman I just naturally believed that in life I was destined to be a wife and mother and it was incredibly humbling watching the years roll on with no potential mate in sight.

The woman in me wanted to love and nurture and provide a warm loving home for somebody to rest their feet in. My feet never grew tired as I scrambled around trying to do all these menial things that I thought would help to notice me. Sure enough though as soon as they grew tired of me they moved along to the next.  Was it me? Was I hard to love. Those closest to me will tell you that I am overly emotional and highly irrational. Really? I always saw myself as being passionate and forthcoming. One of my ex’s said I wasn’t enough and wanted to test to see how far he could push me. With student loan debts out to the wazoo I tried  spoil him on his birthday as he ordered the most expensive steak and bottle of wine. I filled up on a salad and rolls (I didn’t have enough for a real meal for myself). Needless to say I watched him flirt with anybody on two legs which even included some guys. I guess I should have seen the inevitable when he insisted I cut off my hair and wear runners to paid. I don’t think he even looked me in the eye but I so desperately wanted to be love.

There is nothing like an unutilized heart to make you desperate for change. I am guilty loving those that were probably not worthy of my love. I let mean things happen to  me because I was convinced that that was what a women did. Yes it is ok to speak out but never speak up to offend. Why would you want to ruin anybody’s day in that way? I was always more about making little homemade lunches full of a man’s favourite treats and somewhere inside would be a little note of something I thought was wonderful about him.  Even for friends I like to put a care package together from time to time. In my friend’s care package was a book, t-shirt, hair flowers, a broach and a pair of earrings. It was the Universe l knew that she had less than honourable intentions as she was exposed to me before her parcel was even sent in the mail. What is the point to life if we don’t ecelebrate each other and that can include the simple feat of getting out of bed.

In a man driven world I prefer to stay as lady like as possible. So many love to tease me with my made up face and teased up hair. In my role as wife and mother I like to present to the day that Ia face that I have known for decades. The made up face of my youth with a hint of wisdom and aged mixed in. I love to twirl just because in I am in the middle of the room and bust into dance with my son at a minutes notice. I loved the shocked expression that those in my neighborhood look at me with as they see someone who is trying not to let the gloomy weather take control of her emotions. Where most are decorating early to bring joy into their hearts I don’t need such a display (although Christmas is one of my favourites). Together me and my son restore a positive order from the night before with magic and dance that the world so desperately needs. I never thought I could engage in a conversation with a 3 year old but even he is wise beyond his years. As a woman I take immense pride in seeing him develop and grow and he can still shock and awe me in some of the things that he does say.

In the beginning we searched for equality not realizing how important we truly were to the home. Most wanted an opportunity to control their futures through education and the right to vote. Not all wanted to be taken away from their families but they wanted the opportunity to be able to hold conversations with the men and teach their children how to dream about a greater life. Of course after being controlled and suppressed and made to sustain in marriages we didn’t want in the first place we became overwhelmed and confused. We didn’t know how to balance all that was coming our way and in an attempt to remain in some sort of orderly control something had to give along the way.  Yes it is great that we have daycares and drop in centers to entertain our youth while we go off and try to make a name for ourselves. Where our children begin to suffer is the lack of roots and homespun values that are intertwined when a child is cared for by family. Where are the tales of choosing to do right over wrong with our grandparents as the main characters? Have we allowed ourselves to be so taken by the idea of financial success and prosperity that we would sell our children’s souls to the highest bidder.  Are we content on ruining our children’s future to keep up with the Jones’s? When does this rat race stop? When do we hold our children in our arms out of fear to what society is going to do to them? Shouldn’t that be our foremost concern after achieving the basic necessities? How do we become something more out of this life and leave a legacy behind if we are constantly on our backs looking for the next spiritual enlightenment?

I am a woman and I take this journey in life very seriously. My goal is to nurture my essence and well being while fortifying the walls of my family. I know that there are those waiting to burn down the walls in defiance and I am working diligently until that time comes. I can only prepare to be who I was destined to become and anything along the way is a joyous gift. I am a woman so therefore I am the matriarch of the family. Traditional roles or not I am happiest as the nurturer and provider in my home. Isn’t that the true secret of life? To feel pride in the soul and love in the heart? We only live once and I for one prefer to live it in a perfectly wrapped package on display for the rest of the world. I am a woman and more to beauty I have hope and that is what is so urgently needed in today’s world.

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