Today is a day that is designed to break me and I am not to sure how much longer I truly have. And by have I mean how much longer do I have before the madness sinks in and threatens to take a hold of me? We all have that monster lurking in our shadows waiting for our weakest moment to victimize us as it’s prey. The beauty of my monster within is it does not wish to kill me only drive me mad with my own thoughts. I couldn’t imagine the lives of those that were bound to a house with little to none mental stimulation. At least I can read and at times I feel like I am strong enough to challenge the will of those who oppose me but today…today is a challenge all in itself.
My morning started to true form of what a stay at home mother should expect, the screams of their child in the wee hours of the morning right before your husband is off to work. The challenge I have in these moments is I have usually remained away in the wee hours before trying to get the unrealistic list of goals I have set out for myself. My fear in being a stay at home mom was never in the day to day challenges of raising my son but it was in losing all relevance to the modern day world and losing a chance to be self sufficient. In the back of every stay at home mom’s mind is did I burn my professional bridges when I said that my family was more important than work? How do I maintain a proper work ethic when my employer is still in diapers screaming at me in words I don’t understand that I am left in tears desperate to figure out.
The problem I have with sleeping in is there is so much waiting for me when I finally let my feet hit the floor. There are the obligatory dishes at my bed side stable because I was up past midnight the night before trying to finish my list that my husband likes to scoff at. There is no finer beating to one’s mental health when those closes to you fail to recognize or even take time out from their day to say how you are keeping. Aside from the chit chat one engages in with somebody that their path crosses on the regularly once my husband is home I am lucky if our paths cross again till bed. I think most husband suspect that a clean house and a washed baby just magically appear out of nowhere. There is nothing more frustrating then a man who thinks his manual labour job is more intense then trying to keep the 20 living things alive and cared for in our house. Stepping into the kitchen the heart of it all I am greeted by not one, but three strategically placed piles of bile that need to be cleaned before the dogs believe they were being served up a treat.
I miss the days when I could have a coffee and read and write before the day and unfolds and motherhood takes over. In order for the day to run smooth though there is just a few minor things that need to be attended to before I can sit and have my piece of serenity until the madness of the day is revealed. There are no surprises that come because when there are 20 lives that you are responsible for you have to be prepared for anything and everything. The order in which I determine what is important is based on a trial and error with the later being the reason why a new order was obtained. So after cleaning the piles that were left behind by a cat I really need to check on I am off to clean the litter and stagger the outdoor business of three dogs. Can you believe the puppy is too playful for the senior dog and my lil bean? No surprises there on the dog my husband defied my wishes for and got anyways. 120 pounds later we have a giant lap dog in our mist who thinks that playful bites don’t hurt and are an acceptable way of getting our attention. That dog has voice that can wake the dead and is not afraid to use it. Most days are just a ticking time bomb for one of his daily rants to wake up my son.
I feel like a yo yo. Up down, up down. The only way to try and stop their barks is to get up and try and reason with them, which in a day that is turning south I find my patience to be wearing thin. Mixed amongst this early morning chaos is a cat who has teamed up with our other cats to terrorize our senior gal. I have never seen animals take to humiliating a senior cat like these two have. She is missing her fangs and to watch her drink and eat is the most humblest display of animals keen on survival that I have ever seen. These cats wait until she is in a position that she can’t defend herself, usually when she is going to the bathroom, and attack her in her filth. All of this happens within the first half hour and I old my breath waiting to see if one of these outbursts is going to be the deal that breaks the camels back.
I don’t want people to be confused and thinking that I dread the time that my son is awake, because I don’t. There are just a few hobbies that I like to engage in with only me in mind and when my son is awake I like to turn my full attention onto him. As much as I can in a house that is more like fraternity house on rush week. Even when my husband is home there is never a chance for a break. He is too tired from his busy day that he can rarely keep is eyes open to fully absorb a conversation that I so desperately need to have with im. He is my connection with the outside world. The only link that I have that there are still people out there waiting on the other side. Most of our fights boil down to this simple fact. I long to be able to look into the eyes of any other human being just to see that one exists, my husband doesn’t understand that.
I feel like I have been thrown back a few hundred years in the sense that I wonder all the time what the outside world holds for us. My eyes are no longer wide eyed with anticipation as my heart has been too hardened from events that have hurt me. The role of the stay at home mom is thoughtless so powerless it is no wonder that so many of u s are mentally divided and shells of who we once were. As I get ready for another day of sheer insanity as the brinks of mine are pushed beyond capacity I teeter along the edge. What really is at stake for the existence of a stay at home mom, undervalued and appreciated? . I see it now. I appreciate it better. The existence of every strong women before me and yet to come. There is nothing stronger than a stay at home mom both in the physical existence and spiritual.