What if the same demons who keep us company are the same demons who drive us insane? There is now way to artistically maneuver around what deeply troubles your soul. It isn’t the fear of intimacy that has me turning my thoughts over. It is the belief that love has to engage in something physical in order for it to exist. I was in love with a girl once. My demons didn’t allow me to be somebody that was good for her though. Selfishly I needed to be close to her but not in the ways she needed and most importantly deserved. It was easier being with a man because that was the expectation. I had no way of knowing that it was in fact another way we were misguided and left to wander astray.
This is not a coming out storey because I feel as much as I was holding myself in I also have had chances to love from the inside out. I am just as lost as the day that I met her my thoughts drift to her constantly. I love my husband dearly as he gave me the chance to live this beautiful life but I can’t help but feel ashamed of what I did to such a beautiful soul. Lying to myself was easy and at the time so was lying to her but my everyday my thoughts wander to her as I hope she truly knows how special she is. I would never betray the vows that we committed to in marriage but I do believe that we have multiple soul mates and I know she was definitely someone special to me. Although I still love and care for her deeply I stop myself from telling her so. To stir up old feelings of hurt to appease my own selfish need to have my soul feel at peace is the weight I must bare on my own. My demons definitely kept me company the day you got up and walked away.
We always do what we think is right until the guilt begins to creep in. The guilt is what keeps you awake at night like eating too many ghost peppers on Taco Tuesday. That slow burn that makes you toss and turn all night and for the not so lucky the turn of something vile. The feeling never goes away but becomes a long last companion smiling at you every time you turn your head. Kind of like a know what you did last summer and are you coming back for more because I am now ready for round 2. My heart at times feels so full I just can’t contain it anymore but with the weight of hurting those you love it cements you right back into reality. Life doesn’t make sense. People don’t make sense. Where once we were laughing now we don’t even talk anymore. We can always turn our heads so quick when we think it serves us best but it is usually at the expense of someone else to impress somebody else.
When I think about my family I think about how one sided it sometimes can truly be. One person will think they are fine while the other one is slowly simmering, wonder how much longer they can take and if it is possible to run away and hide. Me and my husband have almost been together 4 years. As soon as I find myself saying this has been my longest relationship I have to correct myself because how can I even consider ourselves to be only just that. We committed our lives together and agreed to raise our family as one so when we joined our hands together effectively we joined as one. Yes as one piece of the puzzle we have to make sure our edges are just so and even some times one piece can get lost or lose it’s way but the magic comes when it all comes together in one beautiful piece of art.
I also get caught on the idea we waste so much time engaging in experiences with people that won’t make a difference when all is said and done. It is like we love living in the past so much that we don’t want to take anybody new into our future. We stay dismal and lonely wishing we would have stuck it out instead of looking for greener pastures. Social distancing was never a thing until we started breath down each others necks with barely a place to lay your head. Crammed in like sardines getting fondled in place you even forgot existed. All for an extra few dollars to get through the front door. We can have a different partner for each occasion making us seem more a product of our own social ruin than anything.
Living hurts in every sense of the word. There are not too many who have nothing to worry about at the end of the day. Even the most glamorous and rich have their heart break as well. It never skips just hums over reminding us all that death is all that we have in common. You think with that ultimatum given to us at the same time we took our first breath would make it so that we live with compassion instead of so much red face hate. We do real mean things to other people and animals hiding behind this cloak of entitlement and believing if it benefits us it must be right. We never give much thought to those that have graced this Earth before us. The farther we go into the future the farther away we appear from who we used to be. If all we are are fragments of a bigger entity aren’t we getting farther away from our goal. How are we supposed to be brought together in love when we are separated by so much hate.
There are too many people who can’t rasp the bigger picture the one that brings us all back to where we started. Maybe that is the biggest lie ever told. Instead of living to die maybe we are dying to live always in a rush in the opposite direction. What choice do we have but to live in the image that makes us happiest, at least that will be in a language we can understand.