Becoming Somebody

I remember the first time I fell in love with the Pin-Up esthetic like it was yesterday. It was a one sleeved 1950 cocktail dress made out f white chiffon and black lace. At 35 my metabolism was fighting me back but I wasn’t about to let a few inches separate me from this dress. With a halfway smile and a side ways glance I looked at the lady and exclaimed I will take it!! But can I come back tomorrow?

I had no idea there was even a subculture of girls who were not only fixtures in the local car show scene but were all friends. I was desperate to fit in as I just moved provinces after fleeing a really bad relationship. Lucky for me his attitude had landed him back in jail so if there was ever a time to flee no. To start all over again at 35 or keep dying inside. The choice I thought was easy. I always thought honesty was the best policy until people couldn’t handle the truth. Imagine finding yourself in the company of “friends” who deem you a liar when all you were trying to do was find a way to connect. I am sorry my past hurts you but they are more scars to bare. I have never understood of sitting silently too embarassed to share the stories of what you know.

I gravitated towards abuse I thrived on it. It made me feel that at least the person was talking to me it didn’t matter what they had to say. In order to me to grow past my abuse and the sentence my abuser handed down onto me I had to stand brave enough in my sorrow and tell the world never again. Why should I be ashamed of what was done to me. I truly happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time surrounded by the wrong people. No wonder why I still stand here as broken as before. Standing still I feel all the ways we fail each other out of our need to be on top. When somebody gets the courage to speak and to speak freely the last thing you should do is gossip and tell others that you know what they are saying is a lie. Nobody could understand why I would want to talk about the abuse but I had to set it free. I had to get it out of my heart.

Wearing that dress, even when it didn’t fit, I felt transformed. I almost felt like in this era nobody would hurt me. Maybe they would see the lost little girl and offer out there hand and stop her from trembling hidden amongst the shadows. I think this is why I have compassion for every man. I know how hard the journey feels when you are outside standing alone. To me my heaven on Earth was finding another soul that understood me that would help guide me to salvation. I studied and dressed and practiced in the style that reminded me of what it meant to be a woman and most of all I reflected the image of my Grandmother. The woman who was always presentable, loyal and who would cook a mad feast for anybody who would visit her. I think I try to be better in the hopes she is still with me.

In life we live on pretty much a hope and a prayer wishing away the pain and somewhere out of it coming out ahead. My wish for myself and for every young soul that has found their place in life somewhere like me to know you are not alone. There will always be somebody in life we aspire to be only to have our dreams crushed right in front of us as their true narcissistic creature jumps out With on-line presences running rampant I had to find a way to try and decipher the code we all speak in. What disturbed me the most is the way some girls hide under the identifier of Pin-Up claiming to be something good to the community. What I saw were these evil entities trying to fall those that they didn’t understand. They didn’t stand for all inclusive they were trying to gather enough followers so they can weasel into so many impressionable minds.

Friends are allowed to be honest but what they should never be is mean. I remember the time somebody I cared about wrote a list of everything that Pin-Ups should not do. It almost felt like a list of everything that I did wrong. I was hurt and I was offended but I didn’t want to let on how badly it hurt. I let it go in the hopes that maybe I misunderstood it but every once in awhile the ugly head of greed and fame would turn my way and all of a sudden I just snapped. It was like a Pin-Up should never do this and a Pin-Up should never do that and in my mind I was check , check and more check so does that make me any less of a woman. Another example is just what I went through recently. When you know full well that what you are about to write is going to hurt another person the damage that you intentionally caused is far worse than the infraction you are accusing me of. I mean until I saw it in black and white I never would have thought you were like that. You sending me a screenshot I already had seen just goes to speak volumes about your character. You didn’t need to post it publicly but in doing so you wanted to shame me accusing the wheels in my head to spin uncontrollably.

What I thought I loved about Pin-Up was n fact what I loved about myself. I thought i had found a group of ladies that were just like me. And some are, most are. But all it takes is a few wild goats to make the shine and appeal lose all of it’s charm and affect. I mean I used to want to be a somebody in the community until I saw what some of the somebody’s had become. It goes against everything inside of me that I have been dreaming to awaken back to life. In my humblest form I just want to be somebody who appreciates life, love and nature and not the selfish green eyed beast that some become.

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