There’s that meme out there that says, “I want to live in a World where the air doesn’t hurt my face.” I just want to live some place where living doesn’t hurt my soul. When I think about how bold of a statement that is to think that out of everything that life grants us that there is nothing here on Earth that can lift me. In itself I know just how much that isn’t true by the amount of smiles and laughs that are a part of each and everyday. The only thing that changes is when I hear another lies that is being said about me or worse yet the lies that people are telling each other and you know it is just a matter of time before the house of cards that everybody builds themselves falls down because like air it is a necessity for us to live.
Entering motherhood I knew it was a complete new beginning. Leave it to me to have the most romanticized entry into a chapter I felt destined to open since I was just a young girl. If you have been following along my husband saved my life literally. He was supposed to work the night shift but a plane of glass went pummeling to the city streets below cordoning off a 6 block radius and sending him home. My stomach was on fire and my head was throbbing but nothing truly unusual for me. I had root canals performed on 3 teeth while pregnant after a long time dental misdiagnosis finally found. As I wrapped myself in ice and went to sleep the next time I woke up was to use the bathroom. You know your house even half asleep so when I opened my eyes to run on the light and saw nothing I couldn’t help but scream for my husband. As I entered yet another seizure he caught me as I fell to the floor narrowly missing the porcelain. Calling 911 my panic stricken husband didn’t know what to do. All he knew was that I wasn’t due for another 8 weeks and when I finally came out of my seizure I had no idea who he was. I didn’t even recognize the paramedics. All I wanted to do was go to bed to go to work in the morning. Long storey short my blood pressure was too high for them to cut me open, they didn’t have my blood type now the were asking him to chose who to save.
I like to think as me and my son as having the same birthday. We both survived the ordeal only a select few know why. Something change inside me though when I opened up my eyes. I always played the damsel in distress after years of physical and emotional abuse. I just never thought I was good enough for anybody (even sometimes I still do). When you are presented with such an impressionable young mind and you single handedly can change his whole life what choice did I have. I tried to go back to work but the schedules didn’t match with what I needed and wanted to do at home. My plan was to keep fresh and volunteer in my spare time. Read a lot, write about it and of course try and teach my son the importance of having dreams. Dreams are so important. They shelter us from the bad times and give us that little twinge of hope when we need it most. They also help define who it is we want to be and help us gravitate us towards our true self.
The World only hurts me if I allow it to. There truly nobody forcing me to do anything. What I do find disheartening is how so many people wear masks too scared to offer their true authentic self to the World. I am very vocal on what I stand for. In fact I have just stopped using my voice. I don’t feel the need to come out and play anymore because every time I do there is the threat of another tyrannical monsoon. Mean girls are just everywhere and they find their safety in demoralizing others. I truly don’t know everything. I make mistakes that come from a place of truth and a pure heart. When I was younger I hurt everyone. It hurt too much keeping anybody close. I was always the girl who was forgotten about and to me that was ok. If people didn’t notice me then there was nothing more to be said. My heart hurt but worse yet my heart hurt more for the people I know who were going through something similar like me.
The only way I can think of explaining the way that I am feeling is this. I look at the way that tragedy has struck some families and the way they move through life. Specifically I think of how radiant the Irwin family is in their lives of saving animals even after losing their Father so young. The love that they have for each other and all inhabitants on Earth is somebody I truly aspire to be. I want to be able to love freely without the haunting weights of the past threatening to drag me down. It breathes heavy into the belief that you truly have to live in the moment. Each moment the ones that we are granted now. I spent so much time being miserable with even more miserable people surrounding me. I heard from others that people were gossiping about me and saying some pretty awful things. These people I thought were my friends. I don’t talk to any now. Just my sisters, my mom and one childhood friend. When you just shut down completely because you don’t know who to trust.
I have learn to embrace my life differently. My family is my sanctuary my immense feeling of pride. Here I live in a fairytale where I spend each day living like Snow White singing, dancing, cleaning and tending to those I love most. At first when it was happening I was devastated to my core. Now that it is still happening it falls off my like spring dew on a newly turned leaf. My fortress, my Kingdom the place where I get to rule as Queen nothing hurts my heart here and not like that ever again.