Seeing Good

“But at the same time, despite the stress of her conflicting fictions, it was finally a spiderlike sorcery that helped her sew her scattered selves together into a single yarn of pearl.”

I spent a lot of time making up excuses for the train wreck that I was instead of trying to find a way to fix the directional course that I was on. See I already hated myself since I was a young girl and there was no going back from that. i lost my virginity cons much as a 13 year old could give who had no true understanding what sex was. To be honest when I was started to figure it all out I was horrified by what it all meant and wanted to avoid it at all cost. I remember thinking all that I wanted was to be loved by anybody and I think that what I was made to understand was that sex and love were in fact one and the same. In order to have love you needed to be sexual so if that was the case than sexual I would be. I didn’t like the idea of being with anybody else other than my boyfriend and there was no sense in waiting once I was no longer the type a girl that good boys waited for either.

Relationships to me were already a great source of pain. My first boyfriend was also the same boy who raped me while my parents were in the shower. See I always believed somewhere deep down that was my fault too. We were having sex and my mother put me on the pill. I started going to youth group with my friends like my lifeline between heaven and hell. I was made to believe that just because I gave consent originally that didn’t mean that I had to keep on giving it up to him if I didn’t want to. My pastor told me it was my body and I could take control back if I wanted. It was my boyfriends last desperate attempt to keep me in check. You just never forget such tragic events from being seared into your memories. At least this event in my timeline always seemed to haunt me.

Fast forward to my 30’s and I am still out of control of my surroundings. Sleeping on yet another basement floor with another ex who was junked out on who knows what I grasped for the only hand that wanted to save me. He was 24 and facing some serious time and I just wanted out of a dead end existence. I am an advocate for bad energy finding me. Maybe it is because it is the energy that I give out. What was happening in my life was almost a mirror image to when I was a girl but now here I was an adult and I was in control. There was no controlling what was going to happen as I did zero to 80 in seconds flat. I needed to test out my limits and really question my sanity as I sat once again pregnant with yet another loser at the helm. My sweet 24 year old was now a convicted felon and I was mid 30 pregnant for the 3rd time.

The inner turmoil that threatened me beyond any mental limits I had ever known was really taken it’s toll. My internal clock was ticking, I was flailing and failing it seemed anytime somebody would ask what the hell I was doing. I was obsessed with having a baby ever since I lost mine as a girl but was this who I wanted to be tied down to for life. I sacrificed my first born to be somebody to have something and now here I was worse off. As a teenager my mom wouldn’t have abandoned me only my Dad. The very same man I sacrificed for was now lost anyway once again. I was trying to weigh out my options but I was running out of time. I had no job, no home, not even a man. Common sense came and scared my wits back into me and that leads me to my final confession.

My ex when he found me after he finally got out said to me with such hatred, “At least I didn’t kill our baby at 15 weeks 6 days.” That is the “ethical” legal limit that you an terminate a fetus here in Canada. At least it did when I did it. I like to play tricks on my mind and tell people that it was a miscarriage but that is a lie. My confession and my truth is I ingested a pill to initiate the termination of the fetus with the intent to perform an abortion when I was dilated enough. My ex called me from jail at the time of the appointment to wish me luck and to tell me not to back out He told me that it would be ok. that as long as we stayed together that our baby would be returned to us one day. What I believe now is that when your child dies due to your hands you do not get the chance of a redo. My ex liked to keep y mind controlled somewhat by making it known just how gross and horrible a person I was/am.

What I am learning along the way is I truly do have to forgive myself. I can’t keep running from nightmares that have already occurred. Only I can end the haunting by being honest with what I had did. I was so torn between being a mother and doing the right ting that it made me do something that I myself found unforgiveable. I didn’t sacrifice everything I was in order to end up the person I was trying to avoid becoming anyways. I gave up everything to try and have a better life so if I was blessed with kids they wouldn’t suffer like me. The more I learn about myself and that there were others who suffered along the way like me. It makes it easier for me to forgive myself just like I forgive the others for seeing the good in me.

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