When I think about all the narcissistic things we do to entertain ourselves I can’t help but feel guilty and ashamed. The activities that ii was engaging was in order to make my world a better place. What i found though in isolation that my world wasn’t become better. It was becoming cold and bitter the exact opposite of who I wanted to be and the exact thing I already was.
The things that I convinced myself were ok because I thought the Universe owed me just curdles my stomach. Some moments of my past are all that I can think about in the quite moments in my life. How is it that I am where I am today and how much differently would my life be if certain incidents never occurred. Like losing a baby when I was younger made me chase a future baby to replace the one I never had. I hated sex because of that experience. I decided that I must be destined to love a man nothing else ever occurred in my brain.
I lived disoriented for such a long time. The train wreck that I never wanted to become was all it seemed I was destined to be. The losers that I surrounded myself with just trying to validate my pain. There was a bright light though during that time but I was too high and broken to really see. Somewhere in amongst the ashes I was still convinced that my Dad might still want to be a part of my life if I could only get my act together. I was confused. My brain was mush. It became easy to use somebody who loved me because I only cared about my end game.
So now here is where I get incredibly lost. I want to apologize to the girl that I used during this time but I don’t know if their is value in doing so. She was my first ever girlfriend but in my mind I had convinced myself that it was fake. I was so messed up that I dated this girl on the outside when this loser guy that got me pregnant was serving time in jail. My messed up brain thought it worked perfectly. Was I really cheating if I wasn’t physical with anyone or was it my own twisted way from once again shying away from love. I took something that made me feel alive inside and left etches on my soul. My family is everything to me I sacrificed everything to have them. In my mind I am trying to decide if there is any value to letting her know how I was feeling. That she was collateral damage in my journey through my life. Damaged from other abusive relationships that really had nothing to do with her. I still love her. I miss her dearly but I don’t know if that is something that needs to be said.
I don’t want to feed my ego by bringing up all pain. Maybe it is enough to talk about my experience in this format and let the rest of it all melt away. What is justified when trying to make up for all your wrongs. I know about the 12 step program but is that necessary in every circumstance. I have thought about almost every scenario in my head and I just feel anything that I say is just things I need to tell myself in order to grow and let go. Am I right? I don’t know. But for now until I figure out the answer I will try not to dwell too much. I am just hoping that inner voice decides to weigh in on what she thinks is the right thing to do.
So now here we are on the day that our whole province is about to go black. There is no more gatherings of any sort allowed to happen. When given our rights to freedom we really messed up. Tell me again how we didn’t just prove how we only care about our own existence. No conscious thought of anything else ever applies. Convince me otherwise. I saw it back in December when I went to an indoor play place with my son. The snotty nosed kids in the room that should have been at home was disgusting. I understand that some families of have multiple kids but sharing your filthy germs with others. Get the F out here. Am I mad? Just a little. All the recommended guidelines that all we had to do was follow and we just showed how little we care about anybody else we share this world with.
My experiences in life have taught me just because I was a certain way doesn’t mean that I am a certain way. What I did to others I did from a narcissistic source of a pain that I used as a crutch. My excuse to hurt other. I can’t live life like that anymore. What was taken away from me as I young girl I know repossess. What was lost was my selfless ability to live freely and humbly no matter who the other person or being may be. I was born to love and I will embrace so freely as I enter the golden years to be.